Crappity Crap Crap

I think I may have just come out of a manic episode. Idon’t know. I didn’t need to be hospitalized, but then again,  I never do.

The things that are pointing me towards manic episode are as follows:

delusions of granduer
loss of sleep
extreme excitability

You’ll notice one biggie that is not on that list: wild, promiscuous sex. Well, that has never been a feature of my bipolar disorder. Buuuuutttt,  the need to feel the emotions that surround sex, without the actual act was and is extremely high. I am very emotionally needy right now. These movies are helping and hurting.

Anyway, I think something flipped.  Like, the last 2 nights, I have slept 7 hours each night!  That hasn’t happened in 6 months, even with drugs.  In addition, I have been sleeping an extra 2-4 hours in th morning after SO leaves for work. Crazy huh?  Last night, I could wait to get off of work so i could…go to bed????  Like I said, switch.  I don’t know if I’m right, or if this is an intermediary place of calm before another rager. But right now, there is a clarity that may have been lacking before. Well, let me rephrase that. The clarity of before is still the clarity of now, just with a a sheen of calm on it. Like peaceful rocking back and forth at the water’s edge. The amount of money I’ve blown through in the last 6 months is incredible.  The last 2 months alone could have paid our rent for almost 6 months. Anyway, this is my life. ANd it took and off comment by my friend VMF to make me start thinking manic episode. It’s like she has been the only one to see through the shit. Or an even scarier proposition is that everyone can see it. BUt if they could, then why not start restricting me?  Take away my cards? Ask me questions. Demmand that I answer. But these people are not responsible for me. And unfortunately, I am just going to have to be more cognizant, more aware. I’m not sure how it started this time. More research is needed.


My mental health, however, should IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM have anything to do with my gender issues. Just wanna clear up that little piece of stone age thinking  before it even becomes a glimmer of a thought.


Anyway, with this new calm, I am having to really try to get the next couple of weeks in order. I figure I have a few days, at best, before some other issue arises. So until then, focus focus focus!


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