I think I do it to myself. The question becomes, which comes first?
My secret, which really isn’t such a secret, is that I love lesbian-themed movies, especially those of the the nineties and aughts. And most people will look at me and assume guy and snicker knowingly. It’s just a guy thing, loving the lesbians.
As I am sure you have discovered, everything “guy” with me is not what it seems. Oh, I do guy pretty good. But these movies, damn theses movies, they have the ability to allow me to reveal my inner me.
Take, Imagine You and ME. Great movie. Great love story(and I’m a sucker for a great love story). Girl Marries Guy but sees Girl for the first time before her wedding. Girl ends up with girl. Now here’s where things take a little twist. Those girls, that love – that should have been me. Down deep, and in all my bones, I know that should have been me. Why else, how else could these movies have this effect on me? I mean it is overwhelming. And I am open again and allowing myself to be overwhelmed. I get giddy, dreamy, eyes rolling about in their sockets. But it is concrete. It is solid. And I know it to be my truth. The reasons these movies effect me so so strongly is because it shows me a part of my life that I missed, that I will never be able to have. But I do have these movies. And when I need them, they are there. But that is the interesting part of GID or Gender Dysphoria. Am I actively creating and surrounding myself in this wave after wave of information and communication all shouting lesbian, all shouting woman. Am I creating the dysphoria that comes from realizing that I will never be able to experience the life of a teenaged girl as she grows up, whatever bumps and bruises lay before her. And trust me, this feeling, this so-called dysphoria, at times it is all consuming and all crushing, leaving me very little breath. All I can think about is transition(way too scary) and hrt (practical, and may actually relieve some of my anguish) and losing everything I love and care about and then killing myself. That is how it always ends up. I already know that this adventure is one I would have to take alone. I have already been told. And I would rather suffer the dysphoria then be without the one that allows me to be me, at least a little bit. I am not strong. And I love that person. And I will fight the ever-stronger deluge of dysphoria, and each time I will bat it back with a piece of my soul. Because I want her. And I want her. But it’s HER I will take at the expense of her. she will always be me. So I will never disappear. But until SHE is ready(and I believe there will be a day where SHE will see that she has always loved me(she). I fully believe that we can work through this. That we can stay we but be WE. Strong like Amazons) I may have to suffer…but it is hard…because I am open.