Yes. This. Is. Me.

In the context of mental disorder, a mixed (affective) state, also known as a “mixed” or “mixed-manic” episode, is a condition during which features of mania and depression—such as agitation, anxiety, fatigue, guilt, impulsiveness, irritability, morbid or suicidal ideation, panic, paranoia, pressured speech and rage—occur simultaneously or in very short succession.

Although, in the last 24 hours, I slept for 19 of them. I haven’t slept more than 5 hours a night in 5 months, more like 1-3 hours per night.  Anyway, now that I really know what is going on, I can be more prepared. I have got a support team consisting of one that will be expanded today by at least 3.  Support me so that I don’t do something stupid.  SO, right now, is my support, and has always been. I need to make sure that I support SO in some things. SO cannot have the sole responsibility to care for me. I have to be caring of me too.

Now, after walking the dog, I’m off to find a fabulous ring that looks like this purple emerald cut ring I have been wearing. But my nails are black and blue and I need a blue ring.  So there’s that.

SO mentioned seeing a therapist again. I think SO is right. But I do not want to go back on the meds. I am robbed of me, and fuck all that noise about it not being true. For all those people who say it isn’t true, have them take antipsychs, mood stabs, antidepressants and whatever else they thow at me. Take them for a year, then come back to and try that b.s. again. Hahahahahaha! Guaruntee that you will have a different answer for me. Especially if your lifeblood is your creativity.

Creativity –  Looke, I can’t paint or draw, except for very badly. I am not a sculpture or a graffiti artist. I, apparently, cannot string enough words together to create a novel, and as of recent, all my poetry sucks. BUT THAT DOES NOT MAKE ME ANY LESS OF AN ARTIST. I can turn a phrase,  I can paint a picture with words. And I believe that I can inspire the masses(that may be a bit extreme) with my words, with my thoughts, and with my ideas. i can lah blah blah…

Point is – I know I am an artist. And I’m sensitive about my shit.  But, it is my shit and my art and it speaks to my truth and that is dope.


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