Secrets

Damn, now that I have let my clan in on the bipolar thing, – welp, there’s only one thing left. And man, do I want to disclose. To one person, specifically. I don’t know why. I am not sure of what the reaction will be, and furthermore, it would be mortifying for it to be negative. For some reason though, I can feel that it will be a positive experience. Positive, but one that will open a whole can of worms. Because, once  I disclose, I have no control. Say what you will, but if a person thinks they know something, well, until they can prove it, they don’t know shit! And if they don’t know shit, they cannot step in it or smear it around, whether by accident, or purposefully.

But this secret is not going to stay secret for long. These things have a way of working themselves out, and I can feel myself slowly losing the willpower it takes to keep up with this secret. I think I am ready for it to be out among my tribe. But, once again, that brings direct conflict on SO. And I cannot have that happen. So I need to find a way to hold on longer. until a solution that works in my favor i.e.  the girl gets to keep the girl.

It’s worth noting that if anybody ever reads this, then the jig is up anyway. I’m banking on people not reading this.  But, in my passive aggressive way, I have not set this blog to private.  I am taking a chance, I know. One that could blow up in my face.I don’t want that to happen. But but but but….one match.  We have to live our truth. I  can still do that now, but I  will need more. Whether I will have courage when that point is nigh, is another story. I don’t know if I have the balls to do it. Well, let me rephrase that. You see, last week I was crushing so hard(dsyphoric blueshounds, man) I was like fuck it. I’m wearing this dress today. I grabbed a dress, long black shirt, rainbow socks, a purse(which was a strange feeling after so many years), my trusty docs, a hat, and out the door I went without a care. Went to the mall, got a bunch of lookaways. You now, they look quickly, then look away just as quickly. Mostly, I got ignored, which was fine with me. It was a test on both fronts. Would I care? Would they care. Well, on both fronts, it was a “no”. I did go to Phoenix and Dragon. There, all I got were compliments, smiles, warm eyes. It was nice. And even though I was the guy in the dress, I knew that I(the I that they can’t see yet) belonged in that dress. It felt comfortable, and not at all humiliating. It was nice. I know it will not always be like that, and I know I took a rather large chance that I might run into someone I knew. Not really sure what I would have done then. Never seem to plan these things, hahhaha. But it didn’t happen. I went home, and it took every last bit of strength for me to not go into work that day with said dress.

the end

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