Therapy Session # 1

Had my first session with my new therapist, Buddy.  Great guy, as far as I can tell. I’ve seen his name around for a while, so it wasn’t hard to give him a call and see if he had an appt available.  Finding his office was kind of tricky, but ultimate, located in a place in which I am very familiar.  The office is comfortable and personal. He offered water or hot tea. Definite check in the pro column for the hot tea, and also for having a variety of options.

The talking kind of started immediately with some filler questions and my mentioning of the Crohn’s and the Bipolar. He was able to recommend a Psych who whas experience with clients who have gender issues, as well as bipolar disorder. Unfortunately, she will probably not be in my network. I hate insurance. Of course, what I really need assistance with is not in-network. I can’t wait to delve into the prescription policy if I decide to start hrt. That’s another thing we talked about today. I wanted to know about low dose hrt to kind of remove the dysphoria. Buddy seemed to think that this is a bad idea, and he explained why. We can not be sure how quickly feminization would take place. Buddy told me that one endocrinologist has stated that the use of an aa alone would bring on the feminized characteristics pretty quickly.  He states that he does not have any scientific study to back the claim up; rather, he has years of treatment. And that is worth its weight in gold.

Anyway, Buddy does not think low dose is the way to go. His suggestion is to try to get all the ducks in nice little rows. Would really love SO on board with this. Sometimes, the weight and pressure of these feelings, is downright crushing. Right now I feel okay, but I went through it hard for the last few weeks. Probably since the manic episode dropped, and the depressive side seems to not have strong legs, I am in a state of weird calm. Like, I am not 100% sure that the swinging is done. Feels like it, but cannot be sure. I think the MM knocked everything back into working order.

After seeing that girl at P&D, I knew that that is the direction I am headed in. It was strange. I could see her. But it was like she was actively trying to ignore me. Maybe she didn’t pick up on me. I looked like a guy, excepting my beautiful nails and colorful rings. But I do believe she was there the day I was wearing the dress?!  So maybe ignoring me so as to not have to deal with any questions. I  hope I personally didn’t make her unconformable. And you know what? She could just have not found me interesting, and didn’t really have a reason to pay attention to me.   Whateves…

So, great first day in therapy with an actual gender therapist.  This is exciting. But now it’s time to dig deep. Now it is time to really probe my mind. There is the way of pain and death. Every trans person knows this path. We have heard it so many times. It is my bogeyman, and I am not afraid to admit it.  But there is also the way of joy and freedom, of authentic expression. There is also varying degrees of bad, as well as good.  There is a lot to think about. But really, I have thought about most of it. Now it is time to revisit and rethink the whole shebang!  I have always wanted the soft skin and other feminizing that hrt can give.

One last thing. I wish there was someone who was accepting of me, and who was also a friend of SO. Someone who might be able to help SO understand that there are worse things than being seen as in a lesbian relationship. ANd fuck them anyway, it is me and SO, not me and SO and those people with the opinion of me and SO. SO really is very liberal and accepting. SO is having a problem with this, and she may not be able to overcome it, or maybe she just doesn’t want to. Of  course, this is not fair to SO. It isn’t fair to me either. I didn’t just wake up one day and decide that being trans was my life’s goal. Really, as of right now, being trans, hasn’t brough….wait, let me back up. Being trans has given me something. Compassion. Where I may have lost it before, or hid my feelings, this most recent opening(and one which cannot be closed) has allowed my compassion to grow, to flower once again. This is a good thing. It means my emotions are being true. And I need to be truth. Outside of this, however, being trans is shit. It’s constant worry about someone finding out and what that person will do if they find out. You know what though, I am okay with people finding out. I am at that point. I will have to be extremely careful where I go and who I am with, because violence against trans people, and especially tpoc,twoc  is extremely high. I don’t like physical violence, and will want to avoid this at all costs Which goes back to being careful now, laying  ground and frame work. Enough for now…

 

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