Once Again

The weight of all of this is beginning to smother me. My thoughts, at least. I don’t want to die (anytime soon).  What happens if SO cannot take all the bs that comes with being a partner to a transperson? You know, all the stares, all the laughter, all the despair of losing a partner(but hopefully gaining a better one; not necessarily a changed partner).  What happens when all the friends slowly trickle away, one by one. Life has a funny way of pulling people apart.

And what of my family? Am I really ready to lose them?  I’ve got one sis on board. Don’t know about the other one, and frankly, she is a bit preoccupied for me to be dropping this on her right now. My parents – well, that may be a losing situation. Right now, all I can see is the negative. And why not?  Black trans women of any stripe are the most beaten and murdered group of people in the world. People cannot stand to see what they think are men expressing femininity. It is an affront, and scares people.  I won’t be going to Brazil anytime soon.

I wonder what the least amount of transitioning I can do to take care of those periods of dysphoria is?  Just hormones? Hormones and an orchi?  FFS? Shit, I don’t even have the money for two sessions at Mishaels. Surgeries are out of the question.  Whateves, exestential ho hum.  Looking deep into the abyss and all that…

Edit:  This morose thought pattern was more than likely brought on by my last therapissy session.


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