So, I have days where I feel the meatsack of Stuart forming and taking shape and taking over. Very bullish and testosterone-laden actions. Then there are days where all traces of Stuart are gone or, at least, pushed all the way down so he cannot be reached. All this has led me to think about transmisogyny and transmisogynoir. Big words eh? Transmisogyny = the intersection between transphobia and misogyny. Transmisogynoir = the intersection between transphobia and the oppression of trans women of color(TWOC).
Now, let’s turn those terms inward and see what we can find. Maybe, my bigender leanings has less to do with being bigender, and more to do with internal transmisongyny and transmisogynoir. Now, I am not going to get too deep here, but maybe yall see where I’m going with this. Maybe my fears of passing/not passing(and whether that is important), and my f and want ears of violence against me and mine are contributing to this feeling like I could go either way sometimes. Maybe, once I get on hrt things will clear up. Maybe I am just scared to let my feminine side show. I’ve had to hide it so long, it’s now natural. I hide behind Stuart. I saw this next piece of info from one of the ladies on one of the sites I frequent. She said something to the effect of, “We know we identify as female and want so much to be able to live that way but have had little opportunity to develop our outward expressions and persona of our inner female”.
I understand what this lady is talking about. It has been years since I have thought of myself as female, since I have recognized my desire to show that side of me. And I have had grand thoughts of how I would dress and show myself in public. So far, that has been consistent with the boho Drusilla Goddess of the Night dressing style that I love so much. But what about day-to-day clothing? What about the thousands of dollars for hair removal. What about when I have to go to the bathroom? And that is just the tip of the iceberg…
I suppose it is the internal/external dance that frightens, yet excites, me. It’s the end product I can see. I will be the first to admit that the end product is always easy for me to see. It’s the steps getting there that will be a bitca for me. I should learn to take more pleasure in minor victories, celebrate a little more, because, I’m sure there will be setbacks galore.
Really quick thought about transmisogynoir, this may be a bigger internal problem than I’s like to admit. I know the success rates of twoc and they aren’t good. But there are good examples like Janet Mock. Y’all should check her out. Anyway, I have briefly touched on some personal issues here. I know what I need to bring up in my therapissy sessions. I just don’t want to let my fears rule my transition. I don’t want fear to talk me out of it. I just want to see one damn thing through in my life. Sure, I picked the stupid hard one, but damn I have to try. I was thinking about not transitioning and if I could handle crossdressing only. Maybe, I don’t know. I do know that I want hrt. And I believe that hrt will remove the dysphoria(that I really don’t talk about too much, but it is there. Not all the time, but when it hits, it takes my breath away. And not in a good way.. More like a Dementor from Harry Potter.
So that is all for this edition. TTFN. Oh yeah, if anyone out there reading(IS anyone reading?) has questions, don’t be afraid to ask. This is safe space. Ask away.