There was a question on one of the sites that I frequent. It went something like, ” For you people who haven’t transitioned yet, do you hate or get jealous because of the people on the site who had already transitioned. Or any woman, in general.
The answers were mixed, of course. At last check, I think it was pretty much a tie, or close to it. I had to think a minute before answering the question. And the answer is: yeah, I do get a little jelly while looking at successful transitions. Partly because I don’t think mine will be as good as some of the girls I’ve seen. But taking the good with the bad, I won’t be the worst. See? I’m trying to work with the cup-half-full thing.
Anyway, this has always been one of my major triggers. Seeing trans girls with great transitions. They are happy and living life! Also, especially when I was younger and didn’t know what the hell was going on with me, lesbian movies were a big trigger for me. And I’m not talking about porn atm. But indie lesbian movies. I always related to the relationships and stories told. These movies kind of formed a backbone for me to explore my gender identity more. I mean, I was being triggered hardcore by these movies! Fuque, I’d be crying hysterically while throwing stuffed animals at the t.v. Then, because I am a glutton for punishment, I would rewind and watch again, thus setting off another round of “woe is me”. Imagine Me and You, I Can’t Think Straight, and But I’m a cheerleader are the three that just popped into my mind. And then there was Ma Vie En Rose. Another lgbt movie that gave me a first glimpse of a trans child. Where young boys were hording porn, I was hiding lesbian (non porn) movies and books wherever I could. Of course, being that I do have normal levels of testosterone in me, I also had the porn collection. But that was to hide the good shit. You know, 7 seasons of The L Word. Late night watchings of Noah’s Ark on Logo. I guess I was trying to figure out if I could be gay(like into guys ‘gay’). Turns out I am gay. Just for the OTHER team.
These movies (and let’s not forget about the books), I guess, offered me an escape. That escape was to a land where I was born a girl and grew up a woman. That would certainly make things much easier for me, hhahaha.
There are several tests that you can take that will give you a little more understanding regarding gender issues. The first test I took was a simple question. If you could be turned into a girl, no questions asked. NO issues, no surgeries, no harassment, nothing. You would simply close your eyes, count to 10, and when you open your eyes, you will be a girl. The catch – it is irreversible. Once you choose, that’s it. That becomes your gender. Of course, I would pick girl in an instant. And yeah, there are other tests out there that purport to prove how much of a transsexual one is. Don’t believe the hype! For cis (Cisgender: people whose gender identity matches. Not trans) people, this must be hard to take in, bordering on insanity. But I assure you, my insanity didn’t play a role in my always wanting to be a girl. I always loved the clothing options. I always loved the soft skin that women had. Damn I wanted that, and more. I wanted to be able to express my inner woman. So that is what I’m doing.
But back to the whole reason for this bloggity blog post. Yeah, there is a little jelly when I see cis girls walking about. They just have no idea how lucky they have it (unless they are FtM). But that jelly comes and goes. It is not all consuming ANYMORE. There were many times where it was all I could think of. Before actually discovering transsexuality, it was this constant internal struggle, this need to find out what was going on with me. I had,and have, always dated women, and didn’t really find men attractive in a sexual way. Too much hair, too many muscles, too much guy. After the lightning strike and the knowledge passed to me, the first thing I said upon my intake exam for my hospital stay (I was allowed to leave at the end of the day, and got to keep my laces) was that I felt like I should have been born a girl. The intake specialist did not laugh or anything. She’s either heard it before, or was really good at her job!
Summing up; Sometimes, I get jelly of my girlfriends. Back then, I couldn’t handle it and the depression was overwhelming. I wouldn’t leave the apt for days and weeks sometimes. My mom would call, begging me to open the blinds, try to do something but I couldn’t. This is the insidious nature of Gender Dysphoria. This type of shit will make you crazy! Until next time, sip slow!