Fear – Misplaced or No?!?

You know, 5-6 years ago when I came out to myself and began this journey, I was scared. Even back then(like it’s so long ago) the death rate for trans people, and in particular twoc, was astonishingly high. Now, with SO onboard, and years of trying to push these feelings aside, you’d think I’d be busting down the door to get on hrt. The sooner the better right?  Well, fuque me, but we have a family reunion at the end of July in Washington D.C., a notoriously unsafe place for trans people. At least, that is how it is shown in the media, lol.   But seriously, this trip includes an overnight journey on a megabus.  I’m also sure that there will be stops in podunk towns along the way.  I’m going to have to bring my flair down a notch.  See, that is the fear talking. No ——-

you know what fear is?  I think I am scared to go into my mfing piercer’s studio as Sofia. Like they would care, and if they do, it’s not like they are going to be asses to my face.  It just goes back to this deeply rooted fear of – I don’t know – unknown situations?  If the variables, as they play out in my head, don’t play in my favor, then fear and anxiety are ratcheted up a bit. But you know what, once I do it, and am in my element, I’m fine.  I know that I am babbling and rambling, but it is because I am having a hard time finding the words to express this deep-seated fear of   ?????????  Maybe it is of being the ultimate cautionary tale: the person with the relatively stable life who threw it all away on a dream, and a fucking crazy one at that. The problem is that I am not crazy, nor are my thoughts re: my gender identity.  But I don’t want to end up homeless. I don’t want to be beaten., raped, murdered, and left in some alley somewhere. Yeah, this is my ultimate nightmare, and with the NC hooha, and Texas just being ignorant (sorry Friends) ole Texas, plus the South tryna rise again and shit, and you got a potent mix of turbulent times for me and my brothers and sisters.  That may also include some of you, my friends.  You’ve been warned.  And if you should find yourself on the receiving end of abuse on my accord, I’m sorry in advance.

Damn, this is getting me down. I think once I start hrt, things will mellow out a bit. Call it pre-hrt jitters, where those magic beans can’t be administered fast enough. It cannot be at a transitioning dose though, until after July.  My guess is that between my endo and my therapissy, I will be waiting several months anyway.  I just want to start low-dose now.  I need to feel like one of the big steps in my transition i.e. hrt is underway.  There are other things I can to to kind of pass the time, both external and internal.  I may have to satisfy myself with these actions until I get that second letter.

Whew–I think I just wrote my way through what I like to call my own personal wave of mutilation.  That was a tough one. I felt it deeply, even if the words didn’t connect with the feeling. This anxiety and foreboding, like death is creeping up on me, and it will all end badly. These types of feelings come and go like waves of mutilation. Not even gonna proofread this one. My minor freakout for all to read. Glad you can see me, lol!  Anyway, fools, have a good night. I may write another this morning. We’ll see. TTFN!


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