Fluctuating Feelings

Fluctuating Feelings. Am I trans?  Am I not trans?  hahahaha Fooled yall!   Still teh trans over here. But lately, I’ve been feeling a little non-binary. Maybe I just wanna genderfuck for a bit, before I transition completely.  But here’s the thing: I don’t need to completely transition(medically, that is) to have a complete and varied life.  I do need to work on my voice and makeup skills. Maybe that will help me feel more comfortable.  But I had a harrowing surgery in 2007 that literally almost killed me.  That has kind of left a bad taste in my mouth (I know, right?) and I am not thrilled to go under the knife again.  I cannot believe I’m even thinking about surgeries.  Not like I can afford it now, but you never know with insurance and such.  And surgeries for me, at least in the beginning would be FFS.  GCS is far, far down a dusty ole’ well.

But back to me and my fluctuating feelings.  Not fluctuating as in am I trans? We’ve already been over that.  These days, I think it has more to do with my lack of a female voice (and the lack of practice that has gone into it) —aaaahhhhh, I just thought of something.  Maybe because I am not 100% out.  98%.  Still have the rest of my family to tell, and shockingly, this is causing me some heavy anxiety.  Once that is out of the way, then these feelings will settle down a bit.  Yeah, I’m sure there will be the odd “what the fuck am I doing” feeling.  Another thought — hrt!! The magic beans aren’t so magical after all, hahaha.  But patience, my dear SoSo, you have to give it time.  I shouldn’t have expected major changes, and I didn’t.  I think therapissy is as much to blame as me on this one.  He kept on saying blah blah blah hrt MAY produce rapid changes. We can never be sure.  You know what, therapisssy?  You were wrong!  My tits didn’t explode and burst holes of rainbows through my shirt.  My butt didn’t get all curvy.  My skin hasn’t softened one damn bit–Yet!

See, I firmly believe that hrt will work minor miracles for me. I am well aware of the things hrt will NOT do, but I do believe that, given the correct amount of time, I will be sprouting very nicely.

Sorry, I know this post is all jumbled up. So is my head, to be honest.  It’s too hot outside, and this has temporarily melted my brain!


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