Confession

Fucking christ!  I am so confused. I need to see Eli pretty badly.  Maybe in December, when I get closer to my 90 days at my job. But damn, my only thought when I started this journey was how to reconcile the fact that I feel like I should have been born a woman with this whole transition process.

I just got a couple of new jobs.  The LBC is having financial issues that transition will only add to.  I mean, seriously, I wonder –  now that I’ve started this path of transition, is there no backing down?  Is it necessary for ME to transition, medically, or at all?  Can I recognize these feelings, and gender bend?

Another confession – Maybe I feel more comfortable outside the binary but the binary provides comfort and support.  I don’t know if the non binary label is right. I doubt it.  Labels are tricky.  All I know right now is that I am confused, and probably, if I’m honest, a little scared. More than a little.  I kind of like how I feel right now, with the exception of wanting some of the effects of hrt to kick in.  I have to dress in male drab at work.  My other job (I have two part-time jobs- sucks!) – I am out to the GM, so that has paved the way for me to be free to be my femme clothing loving self!

I don’t know.  I do know that I will be able to afford hormones, and that is about it.  Electro will be sporadic, at best, although my next appointment is Nov 15. We’ll see how that goes.  Foik man, foik.  I just feel so foikin trapped! And damn, I don’t know what to do!  I guess I am in a decent place now, where I have been on hrt for some months, and even though there haven’t been any physical changes, just the fact that I started has taken away some of the “woe is me”  and  ‘wtf’ feelings I had for years prior. I dress when I can and am totally accepted by my wonderful SO!  When we are out and about, I get some stares by my preferred method of dress, but I want to dress how I feel. If I feel more masculine one day, then so be it. Same with rocking a flowy skirt and tights!  Am I afraid of anymore feminizing changes, even though I feel I should have been born a woman?  What happens when I lose my job and we can’t pay our rent?  My SO is strong but her salary is not THAT strong.  Mine is shorter than an interlude. I have lived as comfortably middle class my whole life, and while now, we are lower middle class, I still value my living situation and my life in general.   Am I ready for such a massive change?  Eek?  I don’t know.  I do know that I want to keep taking the hrt. I do know that I need to get an appointment scheduled with Eli for the month of December.  I am not depressed.  I am not really melancholy all day.  It’s just certain moments where I can pause and reflect and I get this big WTF?!?!?! in my head, lol!!!

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