It’s A Complicated Beast

Yup, I’m talking about gender.  This is not going to be one of those long, informative posts about gender, and the many types on the gender spectrum.  Rather, this is just my confused head trying to work out my gender, which is not male. At least, not all the time. But never 100% male, and those days where I feel the male side winning out, I’d say the percentage is pretty low, whether over or under 50%.

So where does that leave me?  Well, damn, I am still not sure.  Is it good to ‘not be sure’ after 5 or so months of hrt?  I know (now, for sure) that I am at a low dose, and my t levels shot up during the four months prior to my last blood draw.  I know that hrt hasn’t really had an opportunity to do much.  And I know that my endo is trying to be careful because of the bipolar disorder ( and possibly the Crohn’s disease, idk?), but damn, I need to know if transition, medical transition by using hrt, is right for me.  Is any type of transition right for me, at this time?  Can I satisfy my beliefs and desires and general mental alignment  by cross dressing while not at work?  Part of me believes that this is possible.  Coming out to everyone that I feel needs to know, then I can explore my seemingly bi-gender tendencies in a way without physical changes.  I’ve got to let you know the thing that is kind of holding me back on hrt.  I am kind of scared of getting big boobs.  Especially without voice work, electro, or good make up skills – none of which I have!!!!  Maybe I am not ready for transition.  Maybe I am not ready to throw everything away. Maybe I DO care if I lose my parents, maybe I DO CARE THAT SO COULD LEAVE.  All these doubts and fears probably stem from an absolute fear of not being strong enough to survive, while in the fleshy man sack, I have a better chance.  And I realize this is awful. And I realize that I am an horrible person for thinking this, when other trans people are so strong.  Other trans people go for it. They are ready to live their life –

Wait, I just thought of something. I am living my life too. Just because my path may not include medical transition now, does not mean that it won’t in the future.  My path to my true and authentic self cannot be invalidated by other peoples thoughts. Holy shit!! This is some seriously refreshing  shit flooding my brain atm.  So maybe I should leave it at that. Leave it on the optimistic note that all things should be left on, if possible. I have been chewing and gnashing my teeth but now I truly feel a way forward for me. I have several paths to choose from. Each will provide valid life lessons.  Hold on, peeps!  SoSo is back in the driving seat!!!

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