FUcking Realization

FML I don’t think that I will ever be truly read as female by anyone.  My close friends will use female pronouns, but I cannot tell if they really believe it.  One friend, in particular, is extremely bad with pronouns, and switches back and forth between he and her.  Which would be fine if I was presenting as a “he” but not when I’m presenting as her, which is all the time while I’m around him.  Maybe I’ll start misgendering him on purpose just to see how he reacts.

If my friends don’t really see me as female, then how can the rest of the world.  These are the people who know my heart. And I know everybody means well, but I am beginning to wonder…

Transition is tricky. It turns out disclosure(except to my parents) is the easy part. The physical part is harder for me.  I mean, I don’t have much money, so unless I win the lottery FFS, SRS, Breast Aug, and possibly even electro will not be completed. And excepting electro, tbh, the other surgeries scare me to death.  I had a traumatic surgery experience in 2007 and don’t know if I am ready to go under the knife again. Ugh, I really don’t know what I’m doing and probably need to get back in to see Eli.  As a matter of fact, I will call him on Monday to see if I can get back in.

Now, I can’t tell anything.   I look at some of my outfits and think, “Wow, you look really cute tonight.” Then, I see the pic of my outfit and it just looks like a guy in women’s clothing.  I need to prepare myself just in case this is as good as it gets, just in case the hrt does have the same magical bean effect it has on other people.  But honestly, is that something I am ready to do all the time in this current climate?  Do I NEED to transition?  AM I just scared of failing at yet another thing, and confirming that my life, up to his point, has been one of successive failures?  Well fuck, that took a downward turn, didn’t it. I better get of this page before I infect it with more of my negativity…

Here are some pics for comedic effect.

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