One of the downsides of my boring life is that I tend to go to bed reeeaaalllyyy early nowadays. Last night, I was asleep on the couch by 7:30-8:00 and in bed by 9:30pm. Of course, what this means is that I have been up since 2:00AM, and that is only because I forced myself to stay in the bed as long as possible.
So here it is, a little past 4:20am, and I have been dancing around the spot for a minute now. I’m going to be tired at 12:30, hahahahhaaha.
These early mornings, however, can be peaceful. I love the silence. I love the stillness. I feel removed from, and at the same time, one with ALL. Does anybody out there understand what I’m feeling????
I could be practising my makeup game. I really suck at makeup, but it will be necessary at some point, unless I have the balls to go nude. That might work for a bit, but may not last. I need to get this hair off my face, but electro is fucking expensive. I haven’t been in a minute, although I am in constant contact with my awesome electro, Heidi, from Mishael’s Electro. They are good with black skin and are sensitive to trans identities. I haven’t been misgendered once, regardless of how I look or how I sound. And off on a tangent…how I sound…
I guess my voice sounds good, because the ladies say I should work in Hollywood or some shit. That does not bode well for a switch in voice for me. Or maybe it does. Maybe my female voice will echo my male voice. I guess that’s how it goes, so in the long run this may be a good thing. Anxiety is a bitch, and I guess what I am feeling is anxiety about being around these ladies when I finally come out as a lady. Ya smell me??!!??? Gah!!! I need to see my shrink badly, hahahah. I need to data dump on someone.
Fears and anxiety aside, now that I am out to my parents, the last thing is the job. Of course, in this political climate, losing my job while trans would be financially devastating, in terms of transition. Also, it is stupid hard for a trans person to get a decent job without a degree or already have been in a career for a while. I have neither, and that causes me anxiety, as well. Shite, I’m done with the anxiety bit.
I’m going to shave and put on some makeup, see how well that goes, lol!! It’s now 5:00 in the AM. I can’t wait for warmer weather so I can step outside and enjoy the silence without freezing my nonexistent tits off! TTFN!