Another thing that started like a splinter but is now this huge 2 x 4 is the notion of femininity. My mother, while having the talk, said that there are some people, who you just know about. They act like women, so so forth. I asked her how women acted and from her answer, the best I could come up with is that she is talking about a gay femme-identified person. Meaning male. Meaning gay man.
to break down even further: I cannot be trans because she would have known (okay, she may not have said it this way, but the sentence, and the feeling behind it, needs to be broken down) based on how feminine I acted when I was younger.
Whatever mom. Here’s the thing. I haven’t lived with them in a long time, and unfortunately, haven’t shared a lot of my life with them. So they don’t know. And where friends understand and say that makes sense(or not, lol – my perception only) my parents would never associate a more feminine person with me.
Ma Dukes is right that I am not a femme flower, and the perfect picture of femininity. But them, I challenge, what is the perfect picture of femininity? I really don’t think mother really believes or ascribes those ideals only to”real” women. I think she was thrown by the news and reacted as most cis people would. I have to remember that bit. Neither of my parents was rude. But they did say some things that were hard, and upsetting, to hear.
Rant over. I think I got way off track
My mother said what most mothers would say to someone who is not an outward-acting femme-identified person. It hurt me, though. Like that damn splinter, it plays on all of my fears, brings them all to the forefront again. I guess I still haven’t slayed that demon yet. Fuck, Buffy Anne give me strength. Ugh…