I think I may have to face facts: I will probably never pass. I will probably never make a pretty girl, at least on the outside. The big T has done its’ damage, and I haven’t the money nor the will to fi it like that. I almost died while in surgery, so the thought of GCS is stupid scary, and honestly, not even a blip on my radar – right now.
Can I be happy with not passing, not looking like this image of me I’ve had for so long. What then? Do I give up? Pack it in? Try living exclusively as male for the rest of my life? I just don’t think so. I don’t think I can go back to exclusively male now. But I will admit it: I’m scared. Scared of a lot of things. I know people say money can’t buy happiness, but a good cushion can help with the pushin’. The pink fog is gone, and has been for some time. Now comes the hard part, and I don’t know if I’m strong enough. I guess we shall see, huh?
Right now, I would be happy with a nice andro look, then merging into woman territory. I had this idea of a stunning woman. My chicken legs look like they have just been plucked of the feathers and is cold – raised pores and all. And where I dreamed of a nice bronze color, my legs are yellow, like the poor chicken. My teeth suck. My toes. Let’s not get started on my toes. Damn, I can see all of my imperfections in this glorious sun! Maybe it’s time to go back into the shade and recuperate, lol!
But my heart is good. This I know. I am kind, and I don’t want to lose that. I am stable, mentally, and I don’t want to lose that. I am happy and content in my relationships, and I don’t want to lose that. Maybe pretty on the inside is not such a bad thing, after all!!!