Straddling That Line

Yeah, what line, you ask? Well, I will tell you of the fucking line. This line is between coming out completely and staying hidden behind male cis privilege.

Simply put, I am still not out at work. I am hiding behind the old me. But, am I actually hiding? Or is it comfortable – is it part of my identity makeup? For the longest time, I thought I was bi-gender, meaning split evenly between male  and female. Well, that’s not exactly true. I’ve always thought of myself as a woman masquerading as a guy. I did okay, I guess, although, in the end, The Crack Up occurred and all my walls came crashing down.

But for some of that time, I did explore the fact that I could be bi-gender. I guess it seems like I did it for so long, that it is 1st nature. Now, I have have to unlearn all these social queues and start again.

I guess my dear mother is right. I was not the most feminine-acting guy. I always thought of myself as neutral. That was comfortable. As I type this, I realize that I built a comfy home in regards to my gender identity. I built so many walls, I feel like fucking Trump..

Anyway, right now, a comfortable androgynous state is what I’m going for. I like the idea of not throwing myself into the deep end. I don’t want to sink, and I definitely don’t want to get out of the pool altogether. I want to gently wade in, starting with the kiddie pool and move on. Right now, I feel like I am out of the pissy kiddie side, and making my way to maybe a bust line of water.

Sheesh, another tangent, I think. I won’t read this until later. I do like free form writing. It is certainly a challenge, and maybe harder than most think to do well. I don’t profess to doing it well, hhaha.

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