Sad, Sad Blog

One of my dear Friends told me that my blog has been looking a bit sad recently.  And it’s true – I have taken some time off of writing – in this format, lol.

Anyway, on the today’s post.  Last night , while talking with a group of Friends, I…I…

wait for it – 3…2..1…I misgendered myself.  Holy fuck that was embarrassing, hahaha.  Nothing to do at that point except roll with it, which I did.  Had to laugh it off.  It wasn’t the first time, and won’t be the last time.  I guess I should be thankful that this awful misgendering was completely my fault.  Aldo, that it happened in the company of my Friends, as opposed to friends or even strangers.  And silver lining – it was ME WHO MISGENDERED MYSELF!!!  If anyone could see it, I probably turned beet red.

Immediately after it happened, I caught it, as I’m sure everybody else did too, because the second I said, “Did I just misgender myself?” and they all burst into laughter.  They have been excellent throughout, always using proper pronouns and names, so she/her and Sophia/SoSo.  Either of those last names is acceptable on my end, and I will even throw in the use of the pronoun “they” to describe me.  As I shift over to girl world, I will probably make a stop in  the androgyny zone. “They” may be an apt descriptor for me, after all.

Descriptor – I’m always thinking about how I will be viewed. Welp, that’s not entirely true.  I don’t spend all my time, lol, but I do spend enough time thinking about gender, gender rolls, and my life within these fields.  Anyway, right now, best I can come up with is that I may be sliding over to the non binary trans woman side of things.  Yes – that is my new descriptor! Non binary trans woman – for now.  What do I mean by a non binary trans woman? Well, keep reading, dear readers of the page, and I will try to explain my thought process.

Before, an at the beginning of transition, I have always seen myself as a woman.  Now that I actually have yummy hrt flowing through me, and after some months of slow social transition, I have begun to realize that I may not conform to the traditional male/female binary, mean one is either or.  And while I am not firm non binary person that some are, I find myself understanding that I am actually blurring the lines between gender.  I still have some of the old me in me, hahaha. That will never go away, and if I try to suppress it, I won’t be living as close to authenticity as I could be, y’all know I’m talking about?  I am still a trans woman – just not so rigid in the binary system.  I need to do more research (as always. It really never stops), and mine the recesses of my mind to confirm this, but it has been a small seed that grew into this nice baby tree.  Not fully grown, but moving in that direction.  Or as Buffy Summers would say, I’m cookie dough, and I haven’t made myself into cookies just yet.  I’m still baking, hahaha.

Well, I’ve written passed my traditional stopping point of 4:20am, so I will stop for now. Quickly though, the problem with not writing for a short period of time is that my posts become sooo much longer.  Hopefully one reader will sit down and try to sift through my mind – oops!!! I meant to say my writings, lol.  When I post daily, or at least every other day, I can make my posts shorter. But today – open the floodgates!

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