Today, one of my friends on FB posted that she met her GoFundMe goal of $400 to help fund her move from a red state to the regular comforts (relatively speaking, and transition-wise) of Portland or some other trans-friendly city in the  Pacific Northwest.  I don’t know how safe it is for people of color, and I feel that the Pacific Northwest is probably more segregated than Atlanta. I say this and people scoff. I have no direct proof of this, but have heard from many people that this is indeed true. Whatever…

I am extremely happy for her and hope everything works out as planned.  She will be able to complete her transition, and that is awesome. And, I should stress again, she used GoFundMe to help fund her trip.

I have talked multiple times about this with the SO.  But, and to a certain extent this ismy thinking too, it seems like begging for money.  But hell, I am in no position to fund  3500$ orchiectomy or a 10000$ electrolysis bill, you feel me?  I may be able to get a little bit, but I just don’t think it will be enough.  I need a stronger revenue stream.  I just don’t know how to get it.  I guess I want the orchi first, as electro is so costly and painful and super slow and stupid expensive.  What the fuck is a girl to do, huh?

Maybe one day, both the SO and I will feel comfortable enough to go through with the GoFundMe process. In order to do that though, I need to advertise on my FB page and all the trans* pages on FB that I can find.  I am not out at work, although, shit, I am very close to coming out.  I am tired, and it is getting harder and harder, to live as a fake guy at work.  I need to be smart about it.  My voice shite; it is basically still deep male, though I can get into an androgynous sound, which would be perfect for the beginning, at work at least.  I’m out everywhere else, but still these things are holding me back. Yeah, I can shave, but my skin is not the best and gets irritated easily when I shave multiple days in a row.

Basically, all of this boils down to money.  I know, I know – it doesn’t have be all about the money.  There are a lot of trans people transition without money.  I think I need a support group, some validation, or something.  Anyway, one day I will figure this money thing out. I am absolutely horrid at saving money.  I will have to get better if I plan on moving forward with transition.

I guess what it boils down to is that I really want to do the GoFundMe shit, but like the SO, I have some internal hangups about asking for support, in the way of money, from friends and strangers.  That’s ego fucking with me, I know. I need to get over that, and I think everything else will fall into place. Or maybe not.  But I have to realize that, while my parents did well for themselves, they are not going to help me with transition at all. Fuck, they still deadname me all the fucking time. Whatever. I’m done.  My parents are stil supportive of me, just not my transition.  So, does that mean that they are ACTUALLY being supportive?

Welp, the post took a twist and turn, as most of my posts do.  Keep your head, Sophia.  Things will work themselves out, I’m sure of it!


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