Gender Euphoria

Holy hell, when I think back to 2014-15 when I was regularly and routinely riding the waves (and being crushed by said waves) of gender dysphoria, I honestly don’t know how I made it through. In addition to a flare of my Crohn’s disease and a concurring hypomanic then depressive episode party from my Bipolar Disorder, those years were a trial and a challenge for both me and SO.  I was so down and anxious or I was up and grandiose!  The whole time I was also dealing with this crippling gender dysphoria, which came to a head with the death of Leelah Alcorn. After that, I could no longer stay in the closet, and I came flying out to the SO again.

Apparently, the SO remembers this dark time as a time that I disagreed that I was trans. SO says this had been going on for a couple years now, so she wasn’t so shocked when I finally came out for good. I don’t quite remember it like that, hahaha.

Just like my flares and episodes aren’t popping off all the time, there were times when the dysphoria was at bay – barely, but still, contained. But dysphoria was constant enough for me to keep on pursuing this path. Instead of dysphoria, I want to talk about gender euphoria.

Now, I am not sure this is a real term. A quick google search could remedy this, but I want to come at it from how I feel. No longer am I anxious, no longer am I moody (excepting episodes and flares) or offputting/rude to people.  Furthermore, no longer am I so indecisive as to whether I should transition or not. I realize I am taking things slowly, and haven’t really put myself out there, in terms of legal documents and court systems. But I started therapy with a gender therapist (remind me to call Eli tomorrow), and I have an endo who takes care of monitoring my levels and prescribes my hrt. So yeah, I am making moves. I know that I was socialized male for a good period of my life, and my guess is that people will not find me to feminine, at least not yet. Maybe after a couple of years on hrt I will feel comfy allowing my inner feminity out, in terms of dress and such. Attitude will be the same, for the most part, I surmise.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, despite being trans, and all the negative implications that goes along with it (placed by the outside world), I am happy to be moving toward my authentic self, whatever ending that may be.

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