Knock Knock. “Who’s There?” Dysphoria, Bitch!

Fucking hell, dear readers of the page. this will probably not be a long entry because I am currently feeling waves of dysphoria.

I am having a hard time envisioning 2 months down the road, let alone two years. I don’t know what the fuck I’m gonna do, you know? I don’t feel like I look like a woman. I haven’t worked on my voice, so that’s a dead giveaway. My mannerisms – fuck, let’s not get started on this little bundle of joy. Having been socialized on the other side of the spectrum for most of my life, I find some things hard to break.

I’m terrified of going out, even though I do. It doesn’t make me feel braver. Makes me feel lucky that I didn’t get my face bashed in, and it’s only a matter of time before I experience some violence/abuse. How will I handle it? What happens if I get pulled over by a cop?  Fuck, fuck, fuck…this shit makes me want to detransition sometimes.

If I were to detransition, of which I haven’t done much,  idk. Well, one year of hrt, and wearing women’s clothing exclusively – I don’t know how much this counts as transition. Whatever – I’m done with this ranting, nonsensical blabbler, and whining. I guess I realize I am in the waves, water continually clogging my breather. I also realize that I will be able to lift my head above the tide and the waves and catch a couple breaths. I will reevaluate then.   Whatever…

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