Oh Boy

I can feel the shift, dear readers of the page! I don’t know if it’s the season that’s causing the reason, but I am feeling the chase begin again.

The chase for what, you ask? Well, I don’t know, exactly.  I think it is inspiration, in the form of beauty; whatever form that may take. I don’t think I’m talking about physical beauty (I’ve got the Egg for that). It is more elusive and wispy, like air. Maybe it is because I haven’t had a job in a while, so I’m beginning to feel useless. I need to learn how to cook, just to help Egg out sometimes.

But that is not it, exactly. I am having a hard time nailing it down. Maybe it is the changing of the weather, the music I’ve been listening to lately, or the fact that I want to clean up a bit (and I hate cleaning lol).

It seems like every year around this time the chase for that elusive *beauty begins. Maybe it is the holiday season. I have been watching a lot of QVC recently, and that has definitely put me in the shopping and holiday spirit.

Could it be an internal beauty? Like I am finding some things that I don’t like about myself, and it is time for a change. I don’t know.

One thing I do know is that everything is beginning to overwhelm me again. I don’t mean this in a negative way. Smells, sounds, sight, taste, and touch are all electric now. But it is not any crazy that’s happening. And I know crazy, hahaha. My bipolar disorder is in check. I am med compliant, and haven’t had a major episode since 2015. Sure, I have crazy days, but who doesn’t?

Maybe it is physical beauty I’m chasing. Maybe I am trying to find the beauty in my own womanhood. Sometimes that’s hard. I see a*male*  characteristics, and realize that I will probably never be able to afford electrolysis to remove all my facial hair. This sucks and is not the beauty I am chasing dammit. I have to remember, though, that women have facial hair, some women have deep voices and broad shoulders.

Even after 1.4 months of hrt, I feel like there haven’t been many changes, and I am still pissed that I couldn’t suss all this shit out earlier so I could have had a better chance at being the real me externally. What I mean is that if I had started earlier, then the hrt would have had a better chance of turning this inside girl out, ya know?

Still, I’m gonna push on. I need to get back in to see Eli, and I think I need a secondary therapist. One who is under my insurance so I don’t have to pay $180/hour. I love Eli! He is great! But I need a therapist every month for a bit, I think. Damn I need a gender therapist who takes insurance. Hahaha I guess that isn’t going to happen, but a chickadee and hope, can’t she?

All through this angst, I will still chase beauty, in whatever form I can get! Thanks for reading, dear readers of the page! Have a great afternoon/evening/morning!

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