Hello Dysphoria, My Old Friend

Fuck, I haven’t been sir’ed as much as in the last 48 hours. It really sucks. And you know the bad thing? I feel like I reverted to a male persona yesterday and today. It’s bad enough that my voice sucks and I haven’t changed my name yet. I have to submit papers for my new job, and without the name change and a better voice, I am stuck using my so-called deadname. I can handle that at work, because I need money. Things outside of work, however, should not be so rough. One thing that these last 48 have shown me  is that I don’t pass whatsoever, and only my Fam( not my blood fam) irl and on FB respect and care for my identity.

I had to take my car in for service. This is the first time since I started transition, but because my voice sucks, I immediately got called sir. I didn’t correct him, and even made an excuse that kind of invalidated my own identity. I felt like utter shite, but I let it go. When I go in today, I was called sir probably 10 times in 5 minutes. Fuck! 😦

I am trying to remain positive, but part of me wants to give up. It’s one thing to go out with friends; it’s another to try and navigate the waking world as a trans woman. It’s depressing, and makes me want to give the fuck up, deal with the mood swings, and go back to being a guy. I can pull it off. I don’t know how long, though, and what will happen when the dysphoria inevitability comes back, and 10X stronger, I’d wager.  Fuck, I don’t know how non-passing trans women do it?! Why the fuck can’t I shed my old skin? Why the fuck do I even have to do this? It’s not fair, and I’m legit pissed right now.

Maybe I will be able to let go and.just.breathe. Right now, I can’t see clearly. I know this. But I’m hurt. And pissed. And beginning to feel defeated. Oh yeah, the other thing – I don’t e3ver speak up and defend myself. So I guess I can add shame to the game. Fuck me.

I’m sorry to dump all this negativity on y’all, dear readers of the page. I’m feeling fractured, stunted, and unsure. I need Eli, my $180/hour therapist (Fuck, Eli. Help a sista out!) I need some assurance. Egg gives me a lot of confidence, but sometime I wonder tif she believes it either?! That’s wrong. Egg is the real deal. She is a rock for me. Strong. I guess I should try to be strong, if not for myself, then for her. Keep up this life and hope that all this work will pay off with a happy life. Because we all know the alternative…


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