Passing

Passing, in terms of the trans community often mean the ability to move through society and be accepted as the gender you present, without question. One assumes it can be liberating, after struggling for so long, and fighting for their identity for so long. It seems like it would be peaceful on the surface.

Sometimes, however, if someone is trying to be stealth while passing, it can become a pain in the ass (from my non-passing ass). Having to keep up a narrative, which is certainly true, but knowing that they could run into someone from their previous life, a person from the past. How to explain that to all ones new associates/friends, and would that ruin ones stealth/passing privilege?

For me, passing privilege left the train station about a decade ago. Yeah, I get gendered correctly a good bit, but I get gendered incorrectly a lot, too. I feel like I am too big, too bulky, and an all around awkward-type gal.

What does not passing mean to me? It means I will always have to watch over my shoulder when I’m out. It lends itself to my fear of being beat/murdered for being a trans woman. Even scarier for me would be the embarrassing confrontations with transphobic people in public. I mean, I still go around and do shit. I’m still me. But I constantly think about my safety. Maybe passing would bring me new dangers, in the form of aggressive guys, and that would suck. I don’t have a creeper problem now, so that is something to be happy about. Not passing, though, means, I will have to, in effect, come out for the rest of my life. I mean, I’m poorly, so I’m always at the doctor’s office and I always have to disclose that I’m trans there, or they already knew me by deadname.

Am I sad about not passing? I don’t know…I think I am more sad that I didn’t get my childhood/teenage years as a girl. I was robbed of that experience. And not being on blockers, or even being cognizant of my gender woes as a child has doomed me to a fate of striving for something that will always be out of reach. Will I ever pass 100% of the time? Nah, but, honestly, I don’t think it matters to me. I care that my friends and family (not necessarily blood, as I feel they are a lost cause. They are trying, but not very hard) respect and see me as the woman I see myself as… I just thought of something. Maybe I need to work more on how I see myself, as that may manifest in how others see me. Roll with me – see, if I have more confidence in my looks, in my being, maybe others will see that and it will be like a mirror, except they see me as I see me. I don’t know. Now I’m rambling…

All I know is that I am not going to pass all the time, but some of the time is good. And as long as I am being respected, or left alone, I will be good.

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