In My Feelings

Alright, dear readers of the page, this will be a short entry. Lately, I haven’t been feeling very ladylike, whatever that means.

I am tired of the fight. I look at pictures of myself, and realize that I still look like a guy. My mother told me I would never look like a girl, and I feel that a lot of times. So what am I to do? Well, I will continue down this path. I am too invested in authenticity to stop, but damn, it hurts sometimes, ya know? Sometimes, I feel trapped in my decisions, but I know that I need to trust in them, and in the process of transition.

Even though I am two months from surgery, I still feel this nagging doubt of a mustard seed. Not about surgery, but about this road that I have taken, in general. I guess this is just another dysphoria moment, but damn, it is like wave after wave.

People still call me sir on the phone. It’s not their fault. My voice is deep, and sounds like what you would think a mans voice sounds like. Egg says it’snot true, but I know she is being nice. Yeah, I could practice, and have been, sporadically; it just doesn’t seem to help. Whenever I get around a guy, my voice automatically drops. I don’t know what to do.

One good thing out of all this i that I like the confusion in some peoples eyes when they see me, then hear me talk. It makes me chuckle internally. But damn, that joy is few and far between.

I guess what I might need is a community. I don’t have any trans friends or lgb friends in real life. MY life, while not heteronormative on the inside, could be read that way on the outside. Well, maybe not, as my dress at least throws a little shade in an otherwise hetero-looking relationship. And as a couple, Egg and I have no other couples who are like us. I think expanding our social circle would help me tons. But maybe not, I don’t know.

I guess I am just in my feelings, and not happy about these intrusive thoughts that tell me I am a fake, a fraud, and not worthy. Ah, what to do…

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