Welcome Back

Dear readers of the page, Welcome Back!!!! That is more for me than you. Sorry, I’ve been gone for so long. I had a major depressive episode, where I was majorly suicidal – I was a mess. But that’s over now, thanks to some great therapy, an increase in medicine, support from Egg and my friends and family, and time.

I haven’t worked since Feb, and am going for disability, as I cannot seem to hold a job without my Crohn’s or my bipolar disorder messing things up. My computer has been down for a while, so it has been hard to update the blog, not to mention that I just didn’t feel like it.

I have some news! On July 30, I had an orchiectomy, the surgery I have been writing about for forever. It went well, but I am still healing. As a matter of fact, I had my post op appointment today, and that went well, too! Still healing, but cleared to lift heavy objects again.

Some other big news! I am trying to schedule vaginoplasty for the end of the year. I have a consultation with Dr Kathy Rumer on September 7 at 1pm. It’s a big to do, as it should be. It will be a major surgery.  Maybe I will write more about it in my next post. I just wanted to write a quick hello to let y’all know that I am alive and kicking!

Thanks for reading, dear readers of the page! Until the next post, take care!!!

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Follow Up With Dr. Wolf

Today I had my emergency appointment with Dr. Wolf. Turns out his medical assistant, Stephanie has twisted some information that Dr. Wolf relayed to her, and outright lied about others.

Stephanie told me that I couldn’t take any pain medication because I was so close to my colonoscopy date. That was an outright lie. She also told me that Medrol was listed as an acceptable medication in my chart. That was another lie. In fact, Dr. Wolf told me that Medrol and Prednisone acted the same exact way (another thing that Stephanie told me: she said that I could take the Medrol because it is structurally different than Prednisone, thus safe for me to take). Taking either could have thrown me into a manic episode. I cannot believe that she would even say the stuff she said.

So, I get to Dr. Wolf’s office for my appointment at 12:00, and in true Dr. Wolf form he didn’t see me until 1:15. He prescribed me Tramadol for my pain, and also phenergan for my nausea. He had me go down to the lab to have blood drawn. He also requested that I take yet another stool test to rule out c-diff. I have a follow up appointment in two months, and a colonoscopy in eight days. Maybe, we will finally get to the root cause of my current problems. I an going to continue to take Cimzia and Methotrexate subcutaneously. Hopefully, I will get some news from all these tests. I would really hate for all of them to come back negative. Because that would mean I was making shit up, and I don’t feel, deep down, that that’s the case. I still have all the same symptoms; the bathroom trips, the explosive diarrhea, the muscle cramps and spasms ( which have been greatly reduced my massages from Egg), the pain in my entire intestinal area. I am tired of feeling sick, and sick of feeling tired.

I am going to apply for disability again. I don’t know if I will get it this time, as I am not actively in a manic state, which I was last time I saw the state shrink. And to be completely honest, I don’t know if my current shrink will help out. I know Dr. Wolf will assist, as he did last time I tried. Honestly, I’m at my wits end. But there is light at the end of the tunnel, and I guess I will move towards it.

In a different type of news, I was in the men’s bathroom, washing my hands, because although I am full time, I don’t really use the women’s bathroom. A guy, who was at the urninal when I came out of the stall (because I’m still a lady) came to wash his hands, as I was just finishing up. He looked at me, then stepped out of the men’s room, then back in and apologized. LMAO, he thought he was in the wrong bathroom. HAHAAHA awesome sauce. I think it’s time to work on that name and gender change. I still need my orchi before I can change my gender in good ole GA.

So that’s it for now, dear readers of the page. Stay tuned for test results and colonoscopy prep in the coming days.

Pain Demands To Be Felt

As stated in The Fault In Our Stars, pain demands to be felt; and yeah, I’m feeling it right now, dear readers of the page. This is the worst its been since before my last surgery. I really don’t know what to do anymore. All I do is roll around and moan, use a heating pad on various parts of my body.

Honestly, this post is going to end soon because it hurts my arms to type. Sad state of affairs. I just want this pain over with, and with no gardener in site, I have no good medicine. I have my Cimzia, which I believe is no longer working. I got my colonoscopy moved up to May 8. That is a lot better than May 22, as I really don’t believe I can wait that long to find out what is wrong with me.

You know one of my biggest fears?? It is that I will get the results from the colonoscopy, and they find nothing wrong. This makes me nervous, and honestly, would probably do a lot of damage to my psyche. Fuck, there has to be something wrong. I am not having this pain because my mind is making it up. It sucks. I mean, I have pain all over, and cramping, as well. Not just in my intestines, but in my joints all over my body.

I am going to have to file for disability. I guess I need to get ready for that kind of fight. Honestly though, I don’t know if I have it in me. I was on disability about 5 years ago, but gave it up because I was able to work. What I should have done is just worked part time and try to keep the disability. Now, I have to start the process over, and this is in trump’s amerikkka. We’ll see.

Anyway, thanks for reading all of my moaning and bitching, dear readers of the page. I will check back in soon.

Colonoscopy Scheduled

Okay, dear readers of the page, I finally did it. I scheduled my colonoscopy for May 8 at 12:30 pm. I have Crohn’s disease (if you don’t know what Crohn’s disease is, I encourage you to use your favorite search engine and take a gander) and haven’t had a colonoscopy in about 2 years. This is abnormal for me, as I have had at least one colonoscopy per year for the last 6-7 years, excepting the last two.

I am feeling shitty, and since I ran out of the green medication, the pain has increased twofold, along with other symptoms, such as bloody diarrhea, painful cramping of the large and small intestines, as well as cramping in my legs and feet, hands and arms. I am experiencing nausea, and other symptoms also. I don’t think the medication I’m currently taking is working.

The prep for the colonoscopy sucks. Basically, I cannot have solid foods for close to 16-20 hours.  The food* that I can have consists of chicken or beef broth, gatorade (any color except red or purple, as it will mimic blood in my intestines), stuff like coffee and tea. Basically all liquids. And the prep is going to suck. I will probably be up for most of the night before the procedure.

It’s necessary, though. I need to find out what’s going on in there. My big fear is that the colonoscopy will show…nothing. That is one of the worst case scenarios. I guess another worst case scenario would be needing a bag. But that may not be too bad, except for having to acclimate to it.

If they don’t find anything, then my mind may spiral. I’d hate to think I’m making this pain up. It can’t be true though; something has to be wrong. TBH, I’m a little nervous that they won’t find anything. I guess this is, indeed, my biggest fear. That it is psychosomatic. Oh wells, nothing to do know except wait and take it as easy as possible until the 6th of May.

May is shaping up to be a busy month for me. I will be seeing all but my primary physician and my therapist. I really need to see my fucking therapist, but his fee is high at 180$ per one hour session, with no insurance. I am going to have to get back into him though, so I can get letters for my orchiectomy. But that’s another story to be told in another post.

Thanks for reading, dear readers of the page. Stay tuned to whilehavingtea for more information.

Check In

Hey dear readers of the page! How are ya’ll doing> I’ve been better. My Crohn’s disease is outta control, which is nothing new, except that it is getting to be pre-2007 bad, and that really sucks. In 2007, I had almost two feet of my small and large intestines removed. Yeah, the surgery was extremely traumatic for me, and left me with a fear of surgery that I am going to have to get over if I ever want to get my orchi.

I still don’t have a job; honestly though, I don’t think in my current condition, that I could hold down a job. No joke, I am in the bathroom at least 10-15 times a day. It’s getting ridiculous.

I’m anemic, and I am still losing blood. Not a lot. But enough to register on the labs I recently took. I am anemic, but not enough to start i.v. iron. I can’t tolerate other forms, and have tried pills and liquid mixed in V8 to cut the taste (it’s truly awful. Tastes like a mouthful of pennies).

Random – Have y’all heard the new Bleachers’ album? I really like it. I wanted to see them in concert, but the tix are fairly expensive. Okay, not really; but high enough to not make the 1.5 hour trip to see them. Oh wells…

I’ve been practicing make makeup skills. I think I have the basics down, such as foundation and such. I am still not good with eyeliner, nor am I good with eye shadow. Hell, I am better than last year, but still lacking. I hate that I feel like I need to wear makeup, but I have a beard shadow, and I like to have it covered up, call me crazy , lol! Electro is expensive and may give me some scars and a lot of mental and physical pain and anguish. There has to be another way, damn!

My voice is still a problem. It is deep. I can get into an androgynous range, and that is cool. I definitely need more practice, and need confidence to use my voice with family, friends, and randoms.

Enough for now, dear readers of the page. i am going to leave y’all with a pic dump from this morning’s beat session. have a great day!!!!

Update

Sorry, dear readers of the page. I’ve neglected my lovely blog. It has cobwebs in the corners. But I am bullets, and I will continue to update. As I said in the opener, this blog will be updated as frequently, or as infrequently, as I need it to be. With that being said, let’s hop into this update.

Mainly, I’ve been sick. I still don’t have a job. I no longer have c-diff, which is awesome.  My Crohn’s is out of control right now, and I can tell. I didn’t really need a test to tell me that. But my Gastro, Dr Wolf, bless his heart, is thorough, and put me through a battery of tests. Everything came back clean except the markers for inflammation, indicating active IBD. My wonderful medical assistant, Stephanie, told me that Dr. Wolf wants to keep the same regimen of Cimzia and Methotrexate/Folic Acid. I’m not sure any of this shit is working, but oh well…

I am buying more clothing, after looking in the closet and seeing a bunch of nothing. I need everyday-type clothing. I guess I want to expand my clothing selection. I want some boho-type skirts and dresses, blouses and such. And some more flowy, black clothing.

I’m attaching a pic of some of the vials I’ve had to fill full of shit these last few weeks. It has been a mess, literally, hahahahaha.  Carry on…

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Job Go Bye Bye

And just like that, dear readers of the page, I am without a job. I was notified last week that my services were no longer required. I guess I understand. Really, I do. But damn, another job lost to this disease. My Crohn’s was making me use the bathroom an astronomical amount of times, and when I went to the doctor on President’s Day, I found out I had C-diff. Actually, I found out about the c-diff as I was walking into work Tuesday Morning. I was contagious, and had to leave work. Plus, I was just super tired from all the blood loss and bathroom trips.

Now, I will have to start my job journey all over. But first, I need to get better, physically, and mentally. Being sick takes a lot out of you, ya know?