Dream Walker Take Three (Maybe)

Hey there, dear readers of the page! This post will be concerning my three night dream sequence. All of these dreams center around transition. The particular avenue involving the transition process is also one of my biggest problems: pronouns; now, I usually let people using sir/he/him slide off my back, like water to a duck, but recently I have become emboldened to actually stand up for myself when faced with the pronoun situation. As you know, I go by she/her or any variation thereof. Also, I don’t mind they/them if a person just can’t bring themselves to use she/her.

What emboldened me, you are asking yourselves, to step up to the plate, to rise up, to finally start speaking up for myself? Well, several weeks ago I had a pretty vivid dream, which I had forgotten about in the passing week until…three nights ago. Maybe the dreams started again because of an action I took for myself at Chick Fil A (I know, I know – stone me later, if I don’t do it first) and the people who take orders always ask for a name. I use my nickname SoSo, and give that to the person. Then the person say something like, “thank you, sir.” So, I, in a moment of pure brashness, said something to the effect of, “excuse me, it’s ma’am. You can call me ma’am.” After a beat, she said okay, and awkwardly finished the order. When I drive up to pay, the guy says ma’am. When I get to the window, it’s a girl that recognizes me(they don’t come across that many visibly black trans women with beautiful locs) and we chat for a bit, she hands me my food, and says, “have a nice day, ma’am.” And I felt a sense of peace. And all was good in frog’s world again.

With every silver lining, comes a downpour of dirty, gray rain. A perfect example is having to go to an auto store. Fuck, doing anything while visibly trans can be tiresome.  Auto parts stores and auto shops are my particular kryptonite. If y’all remember, Cam(my car) had some problems recently, and I had to get it to the auto parts store to test the batter;y and alternator. First guy I talk to is totally respectful, but doesn’t use any pronouns. Bravo! I applaud not using pronouns if one is not sure of what people go by.  Second guy was a complete dick, and gave me a look up and down, and thus, my lot in life was cast. There was a woman who he was training, so she came along outside to help check my alternator.When the guy connects the reader to the battery, I turn on the car. Cam, the grumpy bitch that it is, does absolutely nothing. I get out of the car. I start asking questions, but he shoots me down immediately. “Sir! Sir! Sir!,” he kept yelling over me. And I relented. Folded like a sack of potatoes. I didn’t correct him. I let him treat me like a piece of trash. Everything I was wearing shouted woman, right down to my red nails and beautiful ring that Egg got me. Egg was standing right there. In that moment, I felt shame. And it is embarrassing and painful to admit. It hurt my already fragile ego. Anyway, fuck him!!! Now, back to those dreams! Hahaha, took another detour, but I promise, I am getting to the dreams.

Like, three nights ago, and for the next two nights(including tonight) I have vividly dreamed about correcting people who use the wrong pronouns. And those dreams have produced a certain euphoria in me. You know, maybe I’m beginning to round one of the many curves in my transition. Being out, loud (well, maybe squeaky, lol), and proud. I always feel like I stick out anyway because, like, I am not fish. And passing in the conventional style will be a 50% type of thing with me. I am tall, trans, woman, black, and in a mostly white world and area, and owing to not having many queer, poc friends –  all of these makes me somewhat memorable. Whether that’s a good or bad thing is to be determined. And, as the saying goes in the trans woman community, at least for most of us, I’d rather be a moderately attractive/plain/ugly woman than to be confined to life  AMAB. And when I die, do not let them call me a guy!

My worldview is expanding again, as it should, and I want to experience it away from my keyboard, ya know? Activism – don’t know if I have enough spoons for that. Definitely not crisis lines. Then what? Only the future will tell, unless one of my dreams becomes prophetic!

 

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Lucid Dreaming

Alright, dear readers of the page, this is definitely going to be a short entry. After looking at the definition of lucid dreaming, I’ve concluded that I have had several lucid dreams recently. I was calling them vivid dreaming, but damn, I have had some control over them. So, maybe a baby lucid dream???

That’s it, yo!

Quick Update

Howdy, dear readers of the page. This, as the title reads, is just quick update. I have still been having vivid dreams, but haven’t been able to remember them much. They are much stronger when I wake up around  one-two am, then go back to bed for a few hours. Those few hours provide the strongest dreams. I want to try lucid dreaming. I think that is where these dreams are leading. They have to be leading somewhere, right?

In other news, I might have a job opportunity. A staffing agency got in touch with me yesterday with a prospect. The pay is good, and it is in a location near to me. Exciting stuff. Of course, I would be working under my deadname, but that’s alright – for now. I need to get my foot in the door. It is temp to perm anyway, and they don’t need to know about my trans history atm. Honestly, I just need to make some money. I’ve got some bills to pay, and I have to pay my gardener so he will come back and work on my garden, ya know?

I still am not sure about procedures and stuff for 2018. If I get this job, though, it will go a long way towards getting this damn orchi next year. Then, I can legally change my name and gender. Not on my birth certificate (well, possibly), but definitely on my GA license.

So that is all for now. I will write more later.

Liquid Dreams

What.The.Actual.Fuck.?

What is going on with me, dear readers of the page? I laid down at 3:45 AM, and just got up. Whoa girlie, in that time, I managed to have a dream so liquid and real, I could taste it.

Me and Egg were living downtown, but downtown was a mixture of downtown ATL  and downtown Charleston. So I’m wandering around downtown. Not lost, just wandering, because not all that wander are lost, ya know? Back to it, I came down a street of drug dealers selling all sorts of yummy stuff. I pick up a ball of coke and head back to the apt. Instead of the apt that we live in now, this place was located in a high rise kind of like St. Philips dorm in Charleston, but not. Anyway, we lived on the 43rd floor. The mother fucking 43rd floor!!! So, I’m riding the elevator up and doing blow, and yea I know about the camera in the elevator – but I just wanted a taste.

I take a big key bump, and damn, dear readers of the page, I swear I could taste it!! Whoo, what it was cut with, the strength of the coke, and everything! So vivid and true to previous experience. Wow!!! It was so realistic that I thought my nose my be bleeding when I woke up. I expected to find the baggie in my hand when I woke up! Of course, I had to be careful not to spill it lmao!! What a strange fucking trip these dreams are becoming!!

I have to get my hair done today. I might have to run these dreams passed my loc goddess, who is a magical creature, as we all are, to some extent. And while my practice has lagged, I cannot think of a better time than Winter Solstice to start looking within again, mining my soul and shite.

More later! A Bientot! Time for some energizing tea. Not made with liquid cocaine, lmao!!

Dream State

Hey there, dear readers of the page!! How are y’all doing? It’s 2:22am on the east coast. Funny how numbers are always popping up like that – 222, 333, 444, 111, 1111. 🙂

I haven’t been smoking much weed recently, mainly because of a cash flow problem, and my gardener has been out of town for a significant amount of time. I don’t know if that is what is contributing to my extremely vivid dream states nowadays, but damn!! Everything is in technicolor.

I have been have a lot of nightmares – some, I remember when I wake; they are powerful and scary enough to jolt me upright in bed. I’ve had an erotic dream, although I cannot remember that one either. Then, there are the good dreams. Drat, I think I need to start keeping a paper journal bedside to try and capture the rapidly fleeing thoughts and emotions right upon waking, but I hate writing. I’d much rather type. My handwriting is horrible, like a first grader’s, and not much better, lol. Got to do better, hahahaha.

Back on topic, though. My dream tonight was an alternate reality dream, where me and Egg had lots of friends, and during a party, things got out of hand between me and her. A bunch of yelling on both sides, but more vicious on mine, which happens to be a skill of mine that can come in handy. You see, in the dream, past experiences had wounded both of us, but mainly me. There was infidelity on her side, and I couldn’t let it go. So the vicious yelling match included accusations from me about a new round of infidelity. Everybody at the party was uncomfortable, as I was basically airing out our dirty laundry, so-to-speak, in front of the entire party of guests and friends.

She left the room with a bunch of people, while I stayed behind, wondering what type of explosive verbal diarrhea would come next. I was utterly defeated. I had showed my hand, and it was a coward’s hand to be a vicious trollop in front of the entire party. The few friends who stayed behind got to hear my side of things; Egg came back into the room with a couple of girlfriends and a guy I had never seen before. I had requested that she come back in so we could talk like normal people; hash out our issues, you know? But the presence of this new guy threw me for a loop. Who was he???

Well, it turns out that he was a lawyer for the company she worked for, which was – and get this – mob run!!! Eeeek!! This was a mob lawyer. All I wanted to do was explain my side of things, and possibly apologize to her and everyone left at the party. It became apparent that, in order to apologize, I was going to have to do it in front of this very intimidating man.

And that is when I woke up, hahahaha!! Fuck me, I think Egg has got me watching too much Supernatural, which is a brilliant show, but can be terrifying, in a good way, sometimes. I don’t really know what this means, as I trust Egg implicitly, and unfailingly, with my life. My guess is that it has nothing to do with infidelity, in sexual terms, because –  hello, ACEness abounds in The LBC. And I don’t think all dreams are portends. I think I can safely categorize this a wild ride of a dream, and one that may not have anything to do with Egg at all. She may have been a surrogate for something else. Not sure, but there you have it, hmmmmm…