Finally February

Hey there, dear readers of the page. It is finally February. January seemed to go on forever. It was a long month.

Let’s switch gears and talk about my gofundme campaign. It has stalled. The last donation was two weeks ago, and I cannot seem to find a way to get this campaign out to a larger audience. I was hoping that friends of mine (what few I have) and associates on FB would share it with their friend groups. I think one of the problems is that my friends are all cis hetero, ya know, so there’s no traction. This is certainly putting our trip to Philly in jeopardy. And that sucks.

Another thing that sucks is that I won’t know how much I owe the surgeon and such until two weeks before the actual surgery date. This is pretty stressful because it doesn’t allow us the time to prepare, money-wise. It’s like, how much do we actually need. We’ve already booked our flight, but not where we are staying. Accommodations for the time we are going to be there will be about 2500.00. Ah, the stress is getting to me, can’t you tell? All I can think about these days is how we are going to scrape this money together. We already filed our taxes, and I am hoping that Egg gets a bonus at work, along with a pay bump. She deserves it. She is the rock star of her division, and everybody knows it. Show her the fucking money.

Disability – oh, where to start? I filed for disability about seven to nine months ago. Still no answer. They are still sending me packets to fill out and return. And I am supposed to be on the fast track, but damn this is taking forever. I’m probably going to have to meet with a state-appointed psychiatrist. I had to last time I was on disability. I was in a manic episode then. I am not now. So the interview could sink me. All I know is that I was expecting disability to kick in by now, and it hasn’t. But, I know, in regards to disability, I am nothing special or new under the sun. The adjudicators have seen it all before. I’m just hoping that they believe me. I have tried my best to hold down a full time job, but my disabilities always crash the working party. I have to use the bathroom too much, thereby affecting my ability to be productive. Also, last year I had a four month depressive episode, where I lost the ability to do most basic things like taking a shower, concentrating for long periods of time, and a complete drop into the abyss of nothingness. I wanted to be swallowed whole, an not live anymore. I was extremely suicidal,, which is a feature of my bipolar depression. But y’all know how it is. I couldn’t tell my therapist the full on bipolar response because I didn’t want to be hospitalized. Anyway, this is where we stand on the whole disability process. It’s a lot of hurry up and wait. For months and months and months. And this is why so many people give up on the process and try to go back to work, often with disastrous results. I am lucky and privileged to be in a position where, while I need to work, my Egg supports the both of us. So, I shouldn’t be bitching too much. I know a lot of people go it alone, and it’s gotta be rough.

So that’s it for this entry. Please join me soon, same place, same channel for another update. A bientot!

Job Go Bye Bye

And just like that, dear readers of the page, I am without a job. I was notified last week that my services were no longer required. I guess I understand. Really, I do. But damn, another job lost to this disease. My Crohn’s was making me use the bathroom an astronomical amount of times, and when I went to the doctor on President’s Day, I found out I had C-diff. Actually, I found out about the c-diff as I was walking into work Tuesday Morning. I was contagious, and had to leave work. Plus, I was just super tired from all the blood loss and bathroom trips.

Now, I will have to start my job journey all over. But first, I need to get better, physically, and mentally. Being sick takes a lot out of you, ya know?

Good Day

The title, dear readers of the page, refers to “hello” and not that I’ve been having a good day, although, I’ve been having a good day so far!

I haven’t written in a while – sorry. I’ve been busy with work! Ah, that magical unicorn that evades me mostly, well, I’ve ensnared it.

Work has been going well. It is the insurance industry, so it is a lot of information, and in a short amount of time. They are really pushing for us to be on the phones, and that will take place on Thursday afternoon for a short period. The first 1.5 weeks is called STAR (not sure what it stands for) but this is still training. Yeah, we will be taking live calls, but they won’t be graded, except to give feedback and help. As you can imagine, I am extremely nervous. People say it is a piece of cake, but I don’t necessarily believe them, lol.

So, work, for the most part, is going well. I’m still under deadname, but some sacrifices had to be made in order for me to get paid. It is a temp-to-perm position, so I have to get to permanent before I can miss any time. Correction – I can’t miss any time within the first 120 days, which is pretty steep for a gal with Crohn’s disease, and in the middle of a flare, at that. I am still on my grind to get my orchi and name change. Along with that will be all the bullshit that goes along with coming out again. Life is just a series of coming outs, and that sucks. I know that most people at the new spot will probably laugh, or be turned off, but hey – I gotta do me. And hope that I have a job after I do me.

Egg is looking for another job, albeit a bit slowly. She probably needs to ramp up the frequency in which she looks for jobs, as Ecova (now Engie) will not be around forever. But that’s her story to tell, so I will let her tell it.

Really quickly, in other news, I took my extensions out! I now know the trepidation of cutting long hair, lol. As it got closer to the day of removal, I became more nervous. Now that they are out, I think part of my hair looks like a poodle, and I’m not used to the short length. However, it’s not too bad. I can’t wait until the ends lock, if they ever will. Egg is going to twist the ends this weekend, I think. That will get rid of the poodle look, which you can see better from the back of my head.  I will include a picture below to show off my new short do. Hopefully, my hairs will grown long and fast into beautiful, lovely locs!

Okay, dear readers of the page, thanks for coming back, if you have, to read what’s currently going on in my mind. I will write more soon, I promise.

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Quick Update

Hey there, dear readers of the page! Sorry I haven’t written recently, but I started a new job – a new full time job, so I don’t have as much free time as I used to.

Work life is good, with the single, and most glaring exception that I am working under my deadname. Sucks, but I needed money. We needed money. If I am going to get an orchi this year and change my name/gender, well, that take money money money. So, off to work I go, masquerading as an all-but-dead man named ______.

I work in the dental insurance field, in a call center, so there is quite a lot of training and such going on, especially with HIPAA and stuff. Yesterday, one of my training mates, bless her heart, asked a question that goes something like this, “If someone named Sue calls in, but clearly he’s a man…blah, blah, blah.” I cringed internally, then kind of chuckled when I realized that some people just don’t have the language for trans people, and some people DO, but just don’t want to accept that we are valid human beings and such. I’m pretty sure 95% percent of the people I am training with accept me at face value, that is male. But when I was in line to get food the other day, I was called ma’am, and that was validating. Little victories, you know?

I’ve had to tone down my dress for the time being. I wear collared shirts maybe twice or thrice a week, while wearing female clothes the rest of the week. I’ve had to take my nail polish off for the time being, just until I get the lay of the land. I may just be a weekend warrior for nail polish. We have a 3 day weekend coming up – Martin Luther King, Jr. birthday celebration. This is the first time that I’ve had a job that gives this day off. Maybe there will be some color in my drab nail life soonly!

I know part of all this is setting me back a bit, but I have to transition in a way that works for me AND Egg. We are both going to need money, and I will be able to help out. Also, I feel like if I need to hide my fabulous identity a little longer, I will be alright; whereas before, I would be trippin, you know?! Now, I see the bigger pic. I’m out to everybody except work, and I can see this happening much like at Comcast, where my desire to be Sophia 100% will outstrip and outweigh my desire for anonymity. That is not a problem for me, but I don’t want it to affect my chances to go permanent, as this is temp-to-perm.

Okay, that is enough for this update. It is currently 3:40 AM. I think I will try to get a couple more hours of sleep. Probably won’t happen, but it’s worth the shot. Until later, dear readers of the page, Good Morning!!

 

Quick Update

Howdy, dear readers of the page. This, as the title reads, is just quick update. I have still been having vivid dreams, but haven’t been able to remember them much. They are much stronger when I wake up around  one-two am, then go back to bed for a few hours. Those few hours provide the strongest dreams. I want to try lucid dreaming. I think that is where these dreams are leading. They have to be leading somewhere, right?

In other news, I might have a job opportunity. A staffing agency got in touch with me yesterday with a prospect. The pay is good, and it is in a location near to me. Exciting stuff. Of course, I would be working under my deadname, but that’s alright – for now. I need to get my foot in the door. It is temp to perm anyway, and they don’t need to know about my trans history atm. Honestly, I just need to make some money. I’ve got some bills to pay, and I have to pay my gardener so he will come back and work on my garden, ya know?

I still am not sure about procedures and stuff for 2018. If I get this job, though, it will go a long way towards getting this damn orchi next year. Then, I can legally change my name and gender. Not on my birth certificate (well, possibly), but definitely on my GA license.

So that is all for now. I will write more later.

Issa Famous?

When I went to my last job interview, which I performed miserably on, the woman who was administering the tests that I had to take, told me that I looked like a famous person. I have heard this before, dear readers of the page. Usually, this happened before I started transition. My hair was short, and my face was round; eight times out of ten I heard Forrest Whittaker. Not bad, but I never wanted to look like a man, nor did I want to look like him. No offence meant, but he was always kind of pudgy, and had a trick eye. I don’t think I have a trick eye. Yes, my eyesight is bad, but no trick eye. Once upon a time, I weighed 300 pounds. No joke. 300. Fuck, I was big. Tall and big, now that’s a combination. Thankfully, I lost the weight, and am now down to around 190 pounds. I feel like I could do with losing another 10-15 pounds.

Back to the story though – Forrest fucking Whittaker. So, at this interview, I assumed that who she might be thinking about, ugh!! Boy, what the fuck have I been doing these last 117 months during transition to still look like a guy ( I’m not fooling myself. I get called a guy all the time. I hope it’s because of my voice and beard shadow. Beard shadow can be covered with makeup and voice can be adjusted to a higher octave)?

So, I say to her that I’ve heard that I look like the above famous thespian, as I am interviewing under my deadname, and almost dead persona. Lo and behold, she says no!! What she meant, she says, is that I look like I’m famous. That threw me for a loop, and stoked the fires of my ego a bit, not gonna lie. So, now I’m feeling like a rockstar! Bam! She probably meant a famous male person, but I choose to believe that all these months of hrt are doing something to my skin, and my clothing, which is female, skewed me to the, well, I don’t know exactly what is going on with this person – side.

I will take looking  famous; what I really want is to be gendered female. So, my ego considers this a win (even though a famously bombed on the test. Maybe I am meant for something other than a fucking 9-5). My brain is telling me that she was reading me male, but with some seriously different style?? I’m not sure if that is the best way to put it. My heart is telling me to just tell them all to fuck off (in a polite way, of course. I am from the South, lol) and continue to do me. That is all for this installment, dear readers of the page.

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A Strange Case Of Dysphoria

So, dear readers of the page, I am experiencing some dysphoria again. I fucking hate how it comes and goes. Like, one day (or even one hour, one minute) I’ll be fine, and the next is no bueno.

Right now, it’s all woe is me. I’m sir’d all the time, and I am too scared to correct most people. Especially now, during winter (not even winter yet) where I’m wearing big coats and things like that, I am getting heavily sir’d.  It is extremely frustrating and painful. I really don’t know what to do.

I need a shit ton of money. One, I need to pay off my damn student loan. Two, and more important for me than that damn student loan – I need money for transition. I need an orchi so I can stop taking the spiro. I think it is really fucking with my kidneys pretty badly. More on that at a later date. I need to get my name changed. Fuck, I need to get my voice in order. It is still very man-like, and, aside from my face, is what brings the sirs on hardcore.

I have recently begun thinking about FFS (facial feminization surgery) and a boob job. When I started transition, and even up until a couple months ago, I wouldn’t have thought these surgeries would be necessary for me to live as authentic a life as possible. And an authentic life, for me, means society at large seeing me as a woman, even if it is as an ugly woman.

FFS is stupid expensive. We’re talking tens of thousands of dollars. Making tiny changes to the bone structure of my face would allow me and everyone around me to not have to play the gender game. Of course, my friends gender me correctly. Even then, though, I have doubts as to their beliefs. I know I shouldn’t care. I have an amazingly supportive wife in Egg; I just can’t helping thinking that a little work on my face would help.

I think I already covered the BA thing. Dr. Tangpricha just told me not to expect much, if any, more boob growth. So let’s just throw another five thousand in the transition pot why don’t we? Fuck, this is getting depressing.  The boob job is doable. HAHAHAHA who am I kidding. I have never had five thousand dollars. I would be surprised if I ever do. But I’ve got to find a way to come up with that.

If I can scrounge up a paltry eight thousand dollars, I would be able to get my orchi, a BA, and my name change. I am still shooting for an orchi and name change in 2018. I don’t know how to manifest that shit. Maybe it’s time for some spell work?! And some good, old-fashion hard work. I’m not against working. It’s just that every time I start working, I get sick. I was on disability, but disability does not give enough money, and even though my Crohn’s is actively flaring atm, my bipolar disorder is in check. When I was awarded disability last time, all of my issues were popping off at the same time. It was a nightmare.

The thing about disability though, at least for me, is that it made me feel worthless. Now, I am beginning to feel worthless again, but I am not being paid for it. I think this sucks even more. I need a job that will respect my pronouns and gender identity. Fuck, I’m going to make myself even more sick than I already am. Oh wells, dear readers of the page, I hope 2018 is better than 2017.

I shouldn’t complain, and I need to stop. I have a wonderful Egg who provides for the both of us. And I cannot forget my parents. Fuck, I am one lucky bitch. I could have completely unsupportive parents and a wife who wants to divorce. Instead, unlike many of my trans siblings, I have clothes and food and shelter and loving (insert caveat) parents and an eggcellent wife who supports and loves me for me.

It’s just hard, you know? Well, if you’re cis, you prolly don’t. Recently, I told one of my friends about FFS. She looked at me in horror – like, why would you want to do that. She cannot understand. She can accept that I’m trans, but I don’t think she really understands what that means, and what dysphoria is and all that entails. I shouldn’t expect her to. Her reaction kind of caught me off guard, though. After explaining FFS, as I said, her face was one of abject horror as she wondered out loud how I could ever want to go through something so invasive. But damn, I look like a man, and there are no if, and, or buts about it. She is a kind soul, and one of my closest friends, but in that light, well – it was hard for me, and still is. I just want my closest friends to understand that a lot of these surgeries that people deem elective are not elective at all. They are life-affirming and life saving!!

The more I write, the more I think. I think it is time to stop writing. Sorry, dear readers of the page. I’ll write more soon.

p.s. I haven’t forgotten about electrolysis. I am choosing, actively, not to write about it at the moment.

Good Morning!

Good Morning, dear readers of the page! These dispatches will come from my new Acer tower, generously provided me by my parents. My Lenovo laptop crashed and burned, and I’m still trying to pry some information from it. I am  trying to rescue all my music, something like 55gb of data!! Anyone know if I can connect a laptop to a desktop, and transfer music? hmm…

It’s currently 4:00am, and I am ready to start the day, lol! Most other people are in bed and probably more sane than I, hahaha!! I’m not tired though, and could have gotten up an hour ago. The power went out last night, and I am not used to sleeping without a fan on. The noise is soothing, and it provides some cooling, especially since it sits up against a poorly insulated window. Both Egg and I were checking our phones to see when the power would come back on. It went out at roughly 12:30 and came back on around 1:30-2:00, I think. I was getting nervous because I have medicine that needs to be refrigerated! It should be alright, as the refrigerator door was never opened, thereby trapping all the cold air inside for the entire time. I’m going to go check right now because I’m a paranoid android. I don’t pay for the meds (thankfully), but they are super expensive. I have copay assistance that helps out mightily. Brb… okay, meds are doing well, and it gave me a chance to get a refreshing glass of cool water.

I’ve been furiously looking for a new job. A bunch of resumes flying off my computer to different hiring agencies. I got a nibble yesterday, and was sent an invitation to take a test, which is the next step in the hiring process. The test, which was actually made up of several tests, both math and literacy, took a little over an hour to complete. Since I sent so many resumes over the last few days, it’s hard to remember, exactly, what the job is that I applied for. I have been looking for call center positions, both at home and away. Also, I have been applying for CSR positions. I would rather work at home, because I don’t have the metaphorical balls to get a position under my real name, which would open me up to the scrutiny I’ve thus far avoided. At some point, I am going to have to go out on a limb. I did want to change my name first. Then, I got nervous – what if I get pulled over and my name of my license does not match my gender marker. So, my grand plan is to get this damn orchi, then change my name, thereby allowing me to change all documents and gender marker at the same time. That’s still the plan. Without me pulling any money in, I don’t know how this is going to happen. I still want it to be in 2018. I am pushing for it, in fact. I know this is one thing that my parents will not help me with. Sucks, but thems the breaks, ya know?

Okay – enough for now. I will check back in soon. I promise. Sooner than later, at any rate, hahaha! Have a great day!

A Certain Death

My laptop is on its’ last legs, as it were, dear readers of the page. The stay-at-home jobby job? Gone. I had to work yesterday; instead, I spent most of it in vain, trying to install Windows 10. It is installed, but all the updates are still running. I’m pretty upset at the loss of job so soon after I secured one, and after the amount of work it took to get my ailing laptop ready and up to spec. I guess that last bit pushed it over the edge.

My dad did help out tremendously by bringing one of his old desktops, but rules are rules, and they aren’t going to break them for me, ya feel me?

So, it’s back to the drawing board. Time to find a new job. And add more stress to our already broke and stressful lives. I needed this job, and feel betrayed by my own baby. I kid I kid, but really, it is sad. That’s all I have for now, as my laptop is freezing up every 10 seconds now. RIP dear machine.