A Strange Case Of Dysphoria

So, dear readers of the page, I am experiencing some dysphoria again. I fucking hate how it comes and goes. Like, one day (or even one hour, one minute) I’ll be fine, and the next is no bueno.

Right now, it’s all woe is me. I’m sir’d all the time, and I am too scared to correct most people. Especially now, during winter (not even winter yet) where I’m wearing big coats and things like that, I am getting heavily sir’d.  It is extremely frustrating and painful. I really don’t know what to do.

I need a shit ton of money. One, I need to pay off my damn student loan. Two, and more important for me than that damn student loan – I need money for transition. I need an orchi so I can stop taking the spiro. I think it is really fucking with my kidneys pretty badly. More on that at a later date. I need to get my name changed. Fuck, I need to get my voice in order. It is still very man-like, and, aside from my face, is what brings the sirs on hardcore.

I have recently begun thinking about FFS (facial feminization surgery) and a boob job. When I started transition, and even up until a couple months ago, I wouldn’t have thought these surgeries would be necessary for me to live as authentic a life as possible. And an authentic life, for me, means society at large seeing me as a woman, even if it is as an ugly woman.

FFS is stupid expensive. We’re talking tens of thousands of dollars. Making tiny changes to the bone structure of my face would allow me and everyone around me to not have to play the gender game. Of course, my friends gender me correctly. Even then, though, I have doubts as to their beliefs. I know I shouldn’t care. I have an amazingly supportive wife in Egg; I just can’t helping thinking that a little work on my face would help.

I think I already covered the BA thing. Dr. Tangpricha just told me not to expect much, if any, more boob growth. So let’s just throw another five thousand in the transition pot why don’t we? Fuck, this is getting depressing.  The boob job is doable. HAHAHAHA who am I kidding. I have never had five thousand dollars. I would be surprised if I ever do. But I’ve got to find a way to come up with that.

If I can scrounge up a paltry eight thousand dollars, I would be able to get my orchi, a BA, and my name change. I am still shooting for an orchi and name change in 2018. I don’t know how to manifest that shit. Maybe it’s time for some spell work?! And some good, old-fashion hard work. I’m not against working. It’s just that every time I start working, I get sick. I was on disability, but disability does not give enough money, and even though my Crohn’s is actively flaring atm, my bipolar disorder is in check. When I was awarded disability last time, all of my issues were popping off at the same time. It was a nightmare.

The thing about disability though, at least for me, is that it made me feel worthless. Now, I am beginning to feel worthless again, but I am not being paid for it. I think this sucks even more. I need a job that will respect my pronouns and gender identity. Fuck, I’m going to make myself even more sick than I already am. Oh wells, dear readers of the page, I hope 2018 is better than 2017.

I shouldn’t complain, and I need to stop. I have a wonderful Egg who provides for the both of us. And I cannot forget my parents. Fuck, I am one lucky bitch. I could have completely unsupportive parents and a wife who wants to divorce. Instead, unlike many of my trans siblings, I have clothes and food and shelter and loving (insert caveat) parents and an eggcellent wife who supports and loves me for me.

It’s just hard, you know? Well, if you’re cis, you prolly don’t. Recently, I told one of my friends about FFS. She looked at me in horror – like, why would you want to do that. She cannot understand. She can accept that I’m trans, but I don’t think she really understands what that means, and what dysphoria is and all that entails. I shouldn’t expect her to. Her reaction kind of caught me off guard, though. After explaining FFS, as I said, her face was one of abject horror as she wondered out loud how I could ever want to go through something so invasive. But damn, I look like a man, and there are no if, and, or buts about it. She is a kind soul, and one of my closest friends, but in that light, well – it was hard for me, and still is. I just want my closest friends to understand that a lot of these surgeries that people deem elective are not elective at all. They are life-affirming and life saving!!

The more I write, the more I think. I think it is time to stop writing. Sorry, dear readers of the page. I’ll write more soon.

p.s. I haven’t forgotten about electrolysis. I am choosing, actively, not to write about it at the moment.

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Good Morning!

Good Morning, dear readers of the page! These dispatches will come from my new Acer tower, generously provided me by my parents. My Lenovo laptop crashed and burned, and I’m still trying to pry some information from it. I am  trying to rescue all my music, something like 55gb of data!! Anyone know if I can connect a laptop to a desktop, and transfer music? hmm…

It’s currently 4:00am, and I am ready to start the day, lol! Most other people are in bed and probably more sane than I, hahaha!! I’m not tired though, and could have gotten up an hour ago. The power went out last night, and I am not used to sleeping without a fan on. The noise is soothing, and it provides some cooling, especially since it sits up against a poorly insulated window. Both Egg and I were checking our phones to see when the power would come back on. It went out at roughly 12:30 and came back on around 1:30-2:00, I think. I was getting nervous because I have medicine that needs to be refrigerated! It should be alright, as the refrigerator door was never opened, thereby trapping all the cold air inside for the entire time. I’m going to go check right now because I’m a paranoid android. I don’t pay for the meds (thankfully), but they are super expensive. I have copay assistance that helps out mightily. Brb… okay, meds are doing well, and it gave me a chance to get a refreshing glass of cool water.

I’ve been furiously looking for a new job. A bunch of resumes flying off my computer to different hiring agencies. I got a nibble yesterday, and was sent an invitation to take a test, which is the next step in the hiring process. The test, which was actually made up of several tests, both math and literacy, took a little over an hour to complete. Since I sent so many resumes over the last few days, it’s hard to remember, exactly, what the job is that I applied for. I have been looking for call center positions, both at home and away. Also, I have been applying for CSR positions. I would rather work at home, because I don’t have the metaphorical balls to get a position under my real name, which would open me up to the scrutiny I’ve thus far avoided. At some point, I am going to have to go out on a limb. I did want to change my name first. Then, I got nervous – what if I get pulled over and my name of my license does not match my gender marker. So, my grand plan is to get this damn orchi, then change my name, thereby allowing me to change all documents and gender marker at the same time. That’s still the plan. Without me pulling any money in, I don’t know how this is going to happen. I still want it to be in 2018. I am pushing for it, in fact. I know this is one thing that my parents will not help me with. Sucks, but thems the breaks, ya know?

Okay – enough for now. I will check back in soon. I promise. Sooner than later, at any rate, hahaha! Have a great day!

A Certain Death

My laptop is on its’ last legs, as it were, dear readers of the page. The stay-at-home jobby job? Gone. I had to work yesterday; instead, I spent most of it in vain, trying to install Windows 10. It is installed, but all the updates are still running. I’m pretty upset at the loss of job so soon after I secured one, and after the amount of work it took to get my ailing laptop ready and up to spec. I guess that last bit pushed it over the edge.

My dad did help out tremendously by bringing one of his old desktops, but rules are rules, and they aren’t going to break them for me, ya feel me?

So, it’s back to the drawing board. Time to find a new job. And add more stress to our already broke and stressful lives. I needed this job, and feel betrayed by my own baby. I kid I kid, but really, it is sad. That’s all I have for now, as my laptop is freezing up every 10 seconds now. RIP dear machine.

 

 

 

Feeling Better

I’m feeling so much better, dear readers of the page. My last post was all doom and gloom. But I’ve turned a corner, and feel like puppy dogs and rainbows. Work is going well. My brain is a scrambled mess, filled with the ins and outs, and a lot of information has been passed along in a short time. This weekend I will have to take a look at my notes and try to get a better grip on all this information.

I have been working on my voice; yes, it sucks. I am either too high and squeaky, like a mouse, or I drop too low, and sound like I’ve swallowed a gallon of testosterone. But with practice everyday, I should be able to find an acceptable range.

I am having some anxiety over my facial hair. Even when I shave, and shave closely, I can still see the outline of my beard, especially around the mouth area. It is so annoying. Also, when I shave at 4am, I see stubble at 4pm. Very depressing. I need to get back to electrolysis, but I just cannot afford it, atm, nor do I have time to go since I’m back to work. The catch 22 was that when I wasn’t working, I couldn’t afford it. Now that I am working again, I don’t have the time. I work 9-5 during training. When  I go live, I think my schedule will switch to 10-6:30. Still won’t have time. I may have to work on weekends, so maybe that will free up a day for me to get in. But one appointment will not do. I have to be consistent. And it is expensive. $110 per hour, plus $40 if I want a numbing shot, which I will definitely need, now that I have been on hrt for a while. Oh wells, this is something that makeup can fix for the time being. I wish that I didn’t have to rely on makeup. There is no promise that I won’t have any scarring from electrolysis, but it needs to be done.

I think I’ve decided to wait on the name change until sometime in 2018, ideally after my orchi, which I also want to be next year sometime. I don’t see any major changes, and internally, am beginning to get a little frustrated. I see all these pretty girls who have been on hrt for a shorter amount of time than me, and they look stunning. Me – not so much. I still look like a guy.  Fuque.

My one vice has been interrupted by my wayward friend. I have no smoke left, and my mind and body are going crazy. I am more keyed up, more amped up. and my mind is scattered. I am beginning to have racing thoughts again, and my sleep has been horrible, to say the least. My connection has been with me for years, so now I don’t know who to turn to. I have no other connections, and my friends either go through me, or are not willing to help a sista out! I need to figure out a plan. Well, I owe my connect, so maybe he will call soon. I think I’ve more than paid my debt with all the current movies I’ve gotten for him. Whatever – I will have to meltdown, then rise from the ashes, ya know? It’s not the end of the world, but damn, it seems like dude would want to collect some cash.

Okay, enough for now, dear readers of the page. Have a good night/day, wherever you may be. We’ll chat later.

First Day

Today is the first true day of work for me, dear readers of the page. I have had orientation, which was dizzying and confusing, and I am hoping that I don’t hit any snags while trying to og in this morning. I only have a 15 minute window to get fully logged in, and the first time will take a while.

I need to find out about payment for the first days of orientation. I didn’t punch in but ws working to try and fix my system, updates and all, get the required memory stick (thanks Dad), and generally, make sure that I am ready to go. It’s all so confusing now, and I have to remember not to get too frustrated. It is a process, and just like any other job, it will take time.

I will be working for Best Buy during their peak season, which means I will be work black Friday and cyber Monday. Sucks, but I would probably have the same situation at any job I found. At least I don’t have to go in, I can work in my pajamas if I want to., and that is awesome!

I am, of course, excited to start. I know it will be busy, and I will be dealing with upset customers and such. That is okay. I am used to it. Most of my jobs have, directly, or indirectly, dealt with the customer.

Alright, let me wrap this up for now.. It is 7:45AM and I can start logging in at 8:45, so I have an hour to walk the dog and get settled in.  Everybody have a nice day, and I will check in soon.

Update

So, dear readers of the page, here is the update to my last post about the job situation. I have secured a jobby job! I will be working remotely for a company called Teletech! The client I will be working for will be Best Buy and training starts anew on Wednesday.

I’m still not 100% sure, bu maybe 99%, hahha! There is always that small percent, but I am not going to speak that into existence. I’ve updated my operating system to Win 10 Creators Ed., gotten the required USB stick, and, as far as I can tell, have done everything correctly on my end.  There won’t be any problems! I will call ASD (like our customer service dept) and confirm later tonight, as the lines are jammed and there will be 20 minute long (or longer) wait times.

Now that I’m all set up, it’s time to kind of blank my my for a bit to all this work stuff. I will be knee-deep in it come Wed, so a slight breather is necessary, even at this early stage.

Okay, y’all, that’s about it for today. I’ll write later if something comes to mind!

Let Down

Welp, dear readers of the page, my fears were confirmed. I am not starting today. When I talked with customer service, the agent asked me to send an email to the new hire dept and they would, as well.

That being done, I’m left to twiddle my thumbs and try to figure out what went wrong

 

GUESS WHAT!? I just got a call from the comany I will be working for I have to go but will update later.