Medical Versus Emotional

Transition talk time, dear readers of the page. This probably won’t be a long post. I just wanna get some shit out of my head.

Medical transition has been going great. I followed all the rules, dotted my I’s and crossed my T’s. I started my transition the way many trans people do – searching for something, anything to describe how I felt. I saw all the Jerry Springer talk shows and knew that shit wasn’t me. But still, there was something that kept nagging at me. So, I took to the internet, came out to myself, then came out to my intake counselor when I was at a day hospital for a month. After a disastrous coming out with Egg (I was outed by a family therapist who didn’t even know me or Egg), I hopped my ass back in the closet. Not an uncommon phenomenon with trans people. When I finally jumped the hell out of the closet, it was because I was going to die if I didn’t. And I’m not being dramatic. So, I got a therapist, and started working my way through the system. First up was therapy, then a recommendation to my endocrinologist for hrt. I started hrt in June of 2016. Then, in July of 2018, I had an orchiectomy (removal of the testicles). Now, I’m scheduled for GCS in two months. So, all in all, the medical part of my transition is going well.

The emotional/mental part I’m not so sure about. I could go into a myriad of reasons why I don’t think that I am progressing. But, at the heart of it is that I have become isolated. Part of that has to do with my mood disorders and invisible illness. I don’t want to shit myself in public. Because of my four month depressive episode last year, and because of my Crohn’s disease, Bipolar disorder, and GAD, and also because I can’t work due to trying to get disability, I have become increasingly isolated. I was a social butterfly when I was younger, but all that changed with multiple manic and depressive episodes in a short amount of time. Now, I only have three friends outside of Egg, and I love them dearly. But they aren’t trans or even lgbqia folks.  Well, accept for Egg. I feel closed off, and I haven’t been doing much to change that. Which sucks, but it’s so draining trying to fill the mental gaps of being a 45 year old trans women who has historically had few lgbtqia friends. All I want is to find some people like me, ya know?!

With that in mind, I called up the leader of a trans/ally support group near me. It’s one that I could potentially go to without having to drive in downtown Atlanta. It is in the burbs, so who knows what kind of people go to this group, but I am in need of support and companionship. I want to get out of the house, maybe do some volunteering. I love advocacy, but don’t think I have enough spoons yet for that.  I guess since I’m getting older, I am more retrospective, and while I have had a great life, thanks in part to my family, both blood and not blood, I still find myself on a precipice. I am looking over, wanting to take that jump, but am afraid to do so. I am afraid that my transness will be dismissed. I am afraid of what people will say about me the minute I open my mouth to speak. I am afraid of a lot of things. I want to get to the point where my pride in who I am becoming shines through, enlightening everything and everyone. So, hopefully, this first step (calling that trans support group) will kick start a renaissance of my mental makeup. It’s time to try. I have become rather introverted, but I wasn’t always this way. In my twenties, I was rather outgoing. Prolly my manic or hypomanic episodes that gave me so much energy. I was unmedicated for most of my twenties. Once I got out of that funk, and got back on the meds, my mind slowed down, and my willingness to be out in the foolishness left me behind. Can’t blame it all on the meds. There are certainly other factors, like the fact that I stopped doing coke everyday lol.

Anyway, I want to get out of my head for once. And I think I am going to try.

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Therapy Day And General Update

Today, dear readers of the page, was therapissy day with Kristine, my therapissy. I love, love, love her. She is so kind, and very perceptive! We had another productive session, so all is well on that front.

Egg is healing nicely from gallbladder surgery a week ago Friday. We even went to the gym yesterday. She still has some tightness, but the pain is minimal, at least that is what she is saying.

Fingers crossed, we should be getting some money soon, and that will help us pay for the hotel in Philly. Hopefully, they will still have a room for that length of time. We are going to be there for a clip, so this is important.. The hotel will be near the hospital, which is good in case we need to rush back after surgery.

My mood is stable again. I had a period right before my last delestrogen injection, where I was crying about all sorts of things. I just couldn’t stop crying, and that usually signals a depressive episode oncoming. The one thing that I didn’t have was suicidal thoughts, so that was good, and different from my regular depressive episodes. I’m wondering if it was because my estrogen level dropped too low. There is a theory about trans women having period symptoms. Of course, not the bleeding, but some cramping and definitely being more emotional. I don’t know what it was for me. All I know is that everything little thing was setting of these crying jags, and I was extra emotional and almost down. I remember having my shot on that Tuesday, then evening out slowly after that, to where I am now – an even keel. I really need my moods to stay stable for this upcoming surgery, ya know?!

I am going to drop a couple of pics for the timeline.

Therapissy Update

Hey there, dear readers of the page! Today, I want to write a little bit about my new therapist. Her name is Kristine and she rawks!! Seriously, she’s everything a therapist should be: kind, empathetic, but she will also call me on my bullshit.

Eli, my last therapist, jumped ship when Trump took office, and moved his family to Costa Rica. He still comes back every once in a while, and I happened to catch him back in June when I was in crisis. He rightly recommended and referred me to another therapist, Kristine.

When Egg and I first went to see her, I was in bad shape and pretty suicidal. She helped me talk through those feelings of worthlessness and emptiness and self-doubt, and everything else that comes from bipolar depression. Thanks to my family, who doled out Kristine’s high hourly fee so I could see therapissy. She is a family, trauma, and gender therapist, and her qualifications allow her to charge the amount she does. I needed her to write me a letter for both my orchi and for GAS, and what she did is so cool. She wrote one letter, charged me the $300 fee once, but allowed me to pay it off over sessions. So, instead of 1.5 hours of therapy, it would be 1 hour, but I would pay for 1.5. I really appreciated that, because the sessions were paid for, in advance, by various members of my family. Then, when it became time for needing the letter for GAS (insurance companies require trans patients to submit two letters from two different therapists in order to have necessary surgery), she changed a couple of words from the orchi letter and turned it into a GAS letter! And she didn’t even charge me a second $300, which she most certainly could have done, you smell me?

All in all, after seeing Kristine for 6 months, and pretty heavily in the first 3 months, I can honestly say that we are a better fit than me and Eli. I shoudn’t say better, because that’s not true; but, it’s a different, more comfortable fit than Eli. So that is my update for Therapissy. I had a session yesterday, and it was great. Maybe I will write more about my next session. I will have had my second phone consult with my surgeon by then, so we will have plenty to talk about. Okay, peeps. Enjoy the rest of your day!