One Step Closer

Yep, dear readers of the page, I am one step closer to surgery. I had my physical today. I had to wait until no earlier than 30 days before surgery. But the results have to be in two weeks before, so I went in earlier, rather than try to wait a week or two. Nah, I got my physical and lab work taken care of on day twenty eight of thirty.  And I got back home before it started raining. I went to the gracery, and dropped off my surgical prescriptions. They should be ready in a couple days. So, all in all, I’m feeling really good about preparations. Hopefully, everything will continue smoothly. The next big hurtle and stressor is the actual payment. The surgery has not been paid for yet, which really sucks. I do have a pretty good idea how much the out of pocket will be, but the numbers weren’t finalized, and shit can change.

Other than payment, and faxing of all lab work/physical information, everything is in place. Now, to work on the mental. I know there will be pain, so I think I am getting ready for the amount of pain I could potentially face. Hoping for minimal, expecting maximum. Maybe, I will be pleasantly surprised. I doubt it, though. Pain demands to be felt.

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Pre Op Phone Call

Hey there , dear readers of the page. I just got finished with my pre op phone call with the surgeon’s medical assistant. It was as to be expected, but I have a lot of things to take care of before the 9th of April. I have to have a physical. Problem is that I had one last August, and apparently my insurance only allows one physical per year and a day. They have what is called a pre op appointment, which, as I understand it, is a way to get around the one year and a day physical restraints. But the problem is that my GPs’ only appointment in the near future is April 18. I need to have all this work done and sent in by April 9th or my surgery will be cancelled. Another wrench in the system is that I can’t have this physical before March 23rd.  It just does not give me a long window to get this taken care of. I’ve already called my GP office, and they are trying  to find another doctor who will be able to work around this with me. I certainly hope this is the case. One of the things that I am beginning to realize is that it is extremely hard to get an appointment with my GP, and that is frustrating.

I also have to do lab work, which means that I will have to pay lab corp before I can have the blood work done. This is going to stress me out, but it has to be done, so I am going to fight to have it so.

And depending on how I feel, I may still change back to vaginoplasty, rather than zero depth. Still a decision that is up in the air, and is based on my Crohn’s acting up. We shall see….

Medical Versus Emotional

Transition talk time, dear readers of the page. This probably won’t be a long post. I just wanna get some shit out of my head.

Medical transition has been going great. I followed all the rules, dotted my I’s and crossed my T’s. I started my transition the way many trans people do – searching for something, anything to describe how I felt. I saw all the Jerry Springer talk shows and knew that shit wasn’t me. But still, there was something that kept nagging at me. So, I took to the internet, came out to myself, then came out to my intake counselor when I was at a day hospital for a month. After a disastrous coming out with Egg (I was outed by a family therapist who didn’t even know me or Egg), I hopped my ass back in the closet. Not an uncommon phenomenon with trans people. When I finally jumped the hell out of the closet, it was because I was going to die if I didn’t. And I’m not being dramatic. So, I got a therapist, and started working my way through the system. First up was therapy, then a recommendation to my endocrinologist for hrt. I started hrt in June of 2016. Then, in July of 2018, I had an orchiectomy (removal of the testicles). Now, I’m scheduled for GCS in two months. So, all in all, the medical part of my transition is going well.

The emotional/mental part I’m not so sure about. I could go into a myriad of reasons why I don’t think that I am progressing. But, at the heart of it is that I have become isolated. Part of that has to do with my mood disorders and invisible illness. I don’t want to shit myself in public. Because of my four month depressive episode last year, and because of my Crohn’s disease, Bipolar disorder, and GAD, and also because I can’t work due to trying to get disability, I have become increasingly isolated. I was a social butterfly when I was younger, but all that changed with multiple manic and depressive episodes in a short amount of time. Now, I only have three friends outside of Egg, and I love them dearly. But they aren’t trans or even lgbqia folks.  Well, accept for Egg. I feel closed off, and I haven’t been doing much to change that. Which sucks, but it’s so draining trying to fill the mental gaps of being a 45 year old trans women who has historically had few lgbtqia friends. All I want is to find some people like me, ya know?!

With that in mind, I called up the leader of a trans/ally support group near me. It’s one that I could potentially go to without having to drive in downtown Atlanta. It is in the burbs, so who knows what kind of people go to this group, but I am in need of support and companionship. I want to get out of the house, maybe do some volunteering. I love advocacy, but don’t think I have enough spoons yet for that.  I guess since I’m getting older, I am more retrospective, and while I have had a great life, thanks in part to my family, both blood and not blood, I still find myself on a precipice. I am looking over, wanting to take that jump, but am afraid to do so. I am afraid that my transness will be dismissed. I am afraid of what people will say about me the minute I open my mouth to speak. I am afraid of a lot of things. I want to get to the point where my pride in who I am becoming shines through, enlightening everything and everyone. So, hopefully, this first step (calling that trans support group) will kick start a renaissance of my mental makeup. It’s time to try. I have become rather introverted, but I wasn’t always this way. In my twenties, I was rather outgoing. Prolly my manic or hypomanic episodes that gave me so much energy. I was unmedicated for most of my twenties. Once I got out of that funk, and got back on the meds, my mind slowed down, and my willingness to be out in the foolishness left me behind. Can’t blame it all on the meds. There are certainly other factors, like the fact that I stopped doing coke everyday lol.

Anyway, I want to get out of my head for once. And I think I am going to try.

Impostor Syndrome

Impostor Syndrome is a bitch. There, I said it, dear readers of the page. Impostor syndrome makes me feel like a big fraud, a phony, like I am not a girl or woman, but some freak trying to fit into a round puzzle with a square piece. It blinds me, and consumes me, and often (well, not super often) tells me to pack it in.

What makes me turn off this negative way of thinking? I don’t have many friends, so a support sytem is small and cis and heteronormative.  The only person who can kind of understand this irl is Egg, and I’m sure she will even have a tough time truly understanding just how destructive this way of thinking becomes for a lot of trans people. I don’t know the percentages between trans women and trans men concerning impostor syndrome, but from groups and boards I’m in , this syndrome affects a lot of trans women at some point in their transition,

For me, I feel like I won’t be accepted into women-only spaces. I feel like my voice sets me apart from other women. I feel like a giant compared to most women. I’m generally self conscious when it comes to my awkwardness. I want to break out of this internal funk, this battle in my mind.

I won’t stop transitioning. I’ve come so far. I’ve had a surgery, and have another one scheduled in two months. But having a vagina does not make me a woman. I will still have abundant facial hair, and 42 years of testosterone poisoning to try to overcome. On the outside, everything is going smoothly. But in my heard, there is a thunderstorm, a cyclone, and a hurricane all popping off at the same time.

I am a fighter. I have had a relatively easy life. I have a my mood disorders and and invisible illness to deal with, but my upbringing was comfortable, thanks to my parents. They are not, however, supportive of my transition, which leaves Egg and two other people who actively support me. And one of those people I see often enough to believe that I may be able to fool the population at wide. But I don’t want to just fool people (although, I must admit that I take perverse pleasure in hearing people stumble over their words when trying to identify me), I want to be recognized as a woman, and treated with respect and dignity. I haven’t had the blessed opportunity to come across a TERF in real life, so I’m thankful for that. I often wonder what will happen on that fateful day. Will I try to argue, or just say fuck off and keep it moving? I don’t know.

Right now, all I want is to feel good about myself, to feel some self worth, and to get out of my head so much. So, Ill wrap this up now. I don’t really have much more to say, other than impostor syndrome is a bitch. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

Flight And Hotel Booked

Hey there, dear readers of the page! I am so happy right now! We booked our flight to Philly several weeks ago. Today, we booked our hotel, too! So now we have a place to stay and a way to get there.

We don’t know, however, how much the surgery will cost. They will tell us about two weeks before surgery, which sucks from a planning point of view. So we are going to Philly. Who knows if surgery will be pulled off, but we are definitely going, lol! I told Egg that, while Philly would probably be really cool, it’s not a place I currently want to spend ten days in without surgery. It would be so anti climatic, you know?

Anyway, that is the special news for today! A bientot!

Estrogen Tuesday

Today, dear readers of the page, is Estrogen Tuesday. I take my shot every other week, and today is the lucky day!

I wanted to check my emotional stability, as right before last shot, I was a hot mess. Just crying over any and everything. I wondered if it had anything to do with my levels dipping to low, you know? But nothing like that happened this time. I feel good. No crying jags, no cramps, nothing. Guess I will chalk it up as an anomaly and keep it moving.

Therapy Day And General Update

Today, dear readers of the page, was therapissy day with Kristine, my therapissy. I love, love, love her. She is so kind, and very perceptive! We had another productive session, so all is well on that front.

Egg is healing nicely from gallbladder surgery a week ago Friday. We even went to the gym yesterday. She still has some tightness, but the pain is minimal, at least that is what she is saying.

Fingers crossed, we should be getting some money soon, and that will help us pay for the hotel in Philly. Hopefully, they will still have a room for that length of time. We are going to be there for a clip, so this is important.. The hotel will be near the hospital, which is good in case we need to rush back after surgery.

My mood is stable again. I had a period right before my last delestrogen injection, where I was crying about all sorts of things. I just couldn’t stop crying, and that usually signals a depressive episode oncoming. The one thing that I didn’t have was suicidal thoughts, so that was good, and different from my regular depressive episodes. I’m wondering if it was because my estrogen level dropped too low. There is a theory about trans women having period symptoms. Of course, not the bleeding, but some cramping and definitely being more emotional. I don’t know what it was for me. All I know is that everything little thing was setting of these crying jags, and I was extra emotional and almost down. I remember having my shot on that Tuesday, then evening out slowly after that, to where I am now – an even keel. I really need my moods to stay stable for this upcoming surgery, ya know?!

I am going to drop a couple of pics for the timeline.