Group Support

We were supposed to go to group support tonight, but I don’t think we are going to make it, dear readers of the page. Egg just got home from a busy work trip and is really tired. I don’t think she could make the two hour long meeting. So, we are going to pass tonight. Unfortunately, she has to work next Thursday night at her part time job, so we will have to miss next week too.

There will be a meeting that we will attend. Hopefully, in three weeks. We’ll see.

I have my pre op phone call in about 15 minutes, so I am going to cut this short. I would really like to go to the meeting tonight, but I need Egg to be rested. She really works so hard for the both of us. Until next time, a bientot!

Group Therapy

Really quick, dear readers of the page, I found a support group for trans people and allies. I think I mentioned it in my last post. Well, the leader of the group got back to me and confirmed that she is running an adult group. It looks like Egg and I are going to be checking it out next week. Stay tuned for more updates.

In My Feelings

Alright, dear readers of the page, this will be a short entry. Lately, I haven’t been feeling very ladylike, whatever that means.

I am tired of the fight. I look at pictures of myself, and realize that I still look like a guy. My mother told me I would never look like a girl, and I feel that a lot of times. So what am I to do? Well, I will continue down this path. I am too invested in authenticity to stop, but damn, it hurts sometimes, ya know? Sometimes, I feel trapped in my decisions, but I know that I need to trust in them, and in the process of transition.

Even though I am two months from surgery, I still feel this nagging doubt of a mustard seed. Not about surgery, but about this road that I have taken, in general. I guess this is just another dysphoria moment, but damn, it is like wave after wave.

People still call me sir on the phone. It’s not their fault. My voice is deep, and sounds like what you would think a mans voice sounds like. Egg says it’snot true, but I know she is being nice. Yeah, I could practice, and have been, sporadically; it just doesn’t seem to help. Whenever I get around a guy, my voice automatically drops. I don’t know what to do.

One good thing out of all this i that I like the confusion in some peoples eyes when they see me, then hear me talk. It makes me chuckle internally. But damn, that joy is few and far between.

I guess what I might need is a community. I don’t have any trans friends or lgb friends in real life. MY life, while not heteronormative on the inside, could be read that way on the outside. Well, maybe not, as my dress at least throws a little shade in an otherwise hetero-looking relationship. And as a couple, Egg and I have no other couples who are like us. I think expanding our social circle would help me tons. But maybe not, I don’t know.

I guess I am just in my feelings, and not happy about these intrusive thoughts that tell me I am a fake, a fraud, and not worthy. Ah, what to do…

Tattoo Ideas

Yeah, I know, I’m broke, and struggling to afford GCS, but damn, I want more tattoos. I’m sure you know what it’s like, dear readers of the page. You get one tattoo, and that turns into two, and it becomes an addiction. Well, at least that’s how it is for me, lol.

So, I have three tattoos I want now. I don’t have a picture of the first one, but Egg cross stitched the Buffy logo for me. So I want that with the scythe and stake crossing each other, with the words Are You Ready To Be Strong? around it. There is a font for BtVS script, so I want that used. The color of the logo will be red with a black background. It’s my throw up to a show that literally saved my life in the early 2000s. I was having major mood swings and was in a depressive episode. I remember crying while flipping through the tv channels, trying to find a reason to not take the assorted pills I had on me at that point. I saw a commercial for the musical episode, watched that and was blown away; I binged every episode up until that point, and began what would become my love affair with BtVS. In moments of crisis, it is my comfort, and safe, zone. Weird huh, how a tv show can have such an impact on a person’s reason for living…

The other two tattoos are trans-related. The first one is of a frog. That is also a nickname of mine, and the frog is just so stinking cute!! The other tattoo is of two hands, one in trans colors, the other in lesbian flag colors. They hands are being held by the other, and it is a great to show solidarity between the transbian and lesbian communities. Fuck TERFs!

Here are two of the three pics for tattoo ideas.

Flight And Hotel Booked

Hey there, dear readers of the page! I am so happy right now! We booked our flight to Philly several weeks ago. Today, we booked our hotel, too! So now we have a place to stay and a way to get there.

We don’t know, however, how much the surgery will cost. They will tell us about two weeks before surgery, which sucks from a planning point of view. So we are going to Philly. Who knows if surgery will be pulled off, but we are definitely going, lol! I told Egg that, while Philly would probably be really cool, it’s not a place I currently want to spend ten days in without surgery. It would be so anti climatic, you know?

Anyway, that is the special news for today! A bientot!

Spotify

Spotify, the behemoth streaming service, finally sucked me in, dear readers of the page. I have been using the free version for a long time now. Recently, they were running a promotion for 60 days of premium for free. I had heard the commercials before. Fuck – they played it three times in a row all the time. So, on the second to last day, I scooped the deal. Now, I have been listening to commercial-free music, it’s almost been transformative. I am able to skip to which ever song I want to hear. My playlists, which hold hundreds of songs are so amazing without being broken up by commercials. The muic itself is supposed to be of a higher quality (the sound, I mean). As I’m typing this, my playlist jumped from Prince to The Men! Sooo awesome! I think they have got me, dammit!

In My Head

You know, I live several worlds inside my head. I always have. When I was younger, I had more friends. I guess friends are hard to keep with age, life, mental and physical illness, dysphoria, isolation…

But now, I have only a few friends, and we don’t see each other all that much. I don’t have any lgbt+ friends in real life. But I don’t know where I would fit in in the community. This is going to be something I want to work on for 2019 and going forward. Even if I don’t make it out this year, I still want to. Last year, I didn’t want to go anywhere. Now that the depression has lifted, and my mind is back to being relatively strong, I feel like I can take on some new challlenges. You know, put myself out there. But it’s hard. And my default is always fear. It’s my old friend, and my worst enemy.

All this to say, I want to keep the worlds in my head, because I value them and they keep me sane and safe; at the same time, I want to make some room for a new life, filled with new people and new adventures. Simple, huh?

A Phoenix Reborn

And just like that, Cam has risen from the ashes, and shed all the negative emotions of the last few days. Vroom Vroom, readers of the page! That’s right! My car has been fixed! Timmy, my brother in law, fixed it in under an hour!! How’s that for handy??

Cam

Cam the Camry is dead. I made it to the auto store to have them check the battery. That was yesterday. They charged the battery, but it didn’t start so they couldn’t do an alternator check. I left the car overnight and come back this morning. The car starts, they check the battery. It is almost drained. So, auto guy tells me it’s the alternator. Egg said the same thing. Dad said the same thing. I have no idea. I’m going with what they say, lol.

So, I bought a new alternator. My brother in law is handy with cars, so he is going to put it in. Yay for family!

Quick funny story. Auto guy asks me what cylinder Cam is. I don’t know, so he tells me to look at the engine block and it will be there. I look, and all it says is 16 liter or valve or something like that. I go in and tell him, feeling like an absolute moron because I knew that wasn’t right. But auto guy was really nice, came back outside and showed me where the cylinders are. Right in front of my freaking face, lol! 4 cylinders for the win!